Going Sober for October: Week One

I started my sobriety on September 28th and lasted until this Saturday. I was sober for five days, and while that's not a month it IS the best I've done in months.

I'm going--well as always--to be very honest about my experience in hopes that not hiding my struggles and successes help those of you who are trying to lessen your drinking habits (or anything else too). You're not feel alone in your thoughts, feelings, and struggles -- or successes!

The past five days weren't easy. I was surprised that I actually craved beer. And more often than I'd like I would have the thought to go get a six pack or to go to HH. I was especially triggered by bars, which I tried as much as I could to avoid but hey I'm young it's not that easy.

Having other plans in place, reading my goals list, and working with my support system helped. It's important to note that I didn't just write down my goal but I wrote down WHY I have that goal.

On Saturday night when I chose to drink I made an ass out of myself. I was emotional, too drunk, and spent too much money. I thought after 5 days I'd be able to drink moderately but I drank more than I usually do! I think it's the can't have it mentality that didn't work in my favor.

Even though I wish I hadn't drank, I'm happy I did because everything that I wanted to stop drinking for happened. A nice, refreshing, expensive, embarrassing reminder as to why I need to work on this--and for a while.

So the next day I woke up ashamed, feeling sorry for myself, depressed (with no hangover thank God and well water). I went to lunch with the boy and saw full beers on happy hour all around me. Well I already fucked this up I thought, I'll start clean Monday.

After pleading with him, trying to talk out the craving with him, and listening to him remind me why I want to stop in the first place I left the bar reluctantly without having a drink.

I'm so happy I did.

Summary of what I learned:

1. New habits don't happen in 5 days. 
2. New habits don't come easily.
3. New habits happen with work, dedication, and perseverance.
4. Drinking doesn't necessarily make me less socially awkward.
5. Writing down your why for goals is so important.
6. You can restart your goals at any point and time. You don't need a new day, a new month, a special day of the week...if you just ate a donut and you're on a diet that doesn't mean you can just go balls to the wall with junk food the rest of the day--you can make the decision to walk at lunch and eat the lunch you planned for yourself when you weren't in such a discouraged mindset. 
7. Do what will make you feel better in the future. Not in the moment.

To start your Sober October read last week's post. It covers how to approach a month sober with enthusiasm, determination, and realistic goals AKA in a way you can actually fucking do it.

Going Sober For October

Oh heavens.
Just typing this post makes me anxious.
Fear of judgement and failure--and judgement if I fail rises in my stomach.
But having people to help hold me accountable and to support me is key to my success.

Reducing how much I drink is a path I've been on for years--since my DUI in 2011. And I've toyed with sobriety and AA and moderation. And I've done the opposite: not given a flying fuck. 

AA wasn't for me. I hate cutting things out entirely--it makes me want it more. Ever been on a diet? Ya you get it. Don't think about the white elephant. What are you thinking about?

When moving here the relationship I was in was party-centric. And with having no friends and desperately wanting connection I did what everyone else did, party--only I'm not like everyone else. Alcohol and I go balls to the wall or we don't hang out at all. I can't always say no, and have a hard time moderating. And this isn't because I have a problem with it, it's because I use it for the wrong reasons.

-connection
-reduce my anxiety
-boredom
-to be included
-to hurt / punish myself

If I used it for taste, the occasional relaxing night, to celebrate an occasion I think that would be alright, but this uh habit or hobby of mine has become more of a necessity / something I can't say no to.

And it makes sense, it was my crutch and my "friend" (if you will) to try to help me feel at home and relaxed in a place where I felt so homesick, alone, and anxious. And then after my breakup my only social interactions and way of meeting new people was around booze.

Now that I'm on my feet again and in the best place I've been in almost a year, I still have this nasty habit. Drinking one or three a night, getting the munchies, all of a sudden wanting to pay for everyone's drinks, not giving a fuck: really adds up. 

And I'm sick of using my disposable money in a disposable way. And I'm sick of being sick. And I'm tired of being tired. And I'm over getting over hangovers. 

I have hit a point in my life where moderation isn't working and right now the best thing for me is to go sober. And that's what I intend on doing.

I started this venture last Thursday and restarted yesterday. After losing the resolve I had Thursday after therapy in a matter of hours I realized my therapist was right--imagine that--I need to replace this bad habit with good ones. 

So if you're inspired by this and wanting to challenge yourself here's what I'm doing. 

The thing about change is that you actually have to change. 

Write out what are things you like doing or want to be doing that don't involve booze:

• hiking
• crafts
• improving my portfolio
• modeling
• dancing
• writing for shows
• cooking
• lifting
• shopping / creating outfits
• reading

These things are now what you do instead of drink. You HAVE to pick things you really enjoy doing (if you want to run but hate it--don't do that--do something you'll enjoy).

Pick three things from that list and get someone who is sober or will be willing to respect your choice not to drink with you to do these things with. I picked:

• hiking
• reading
• crafts

Call up three friends that will support and respect your desire to go sober for the month. Set one day a week (or whatever works for you as long as you're committed) to do these things sober. 

I see this method working because these things and situations are able to give me what I wanted all along: connection and relief from my anxiety.

It'll put me in situations where I can practice going through the social awkwardness, learning how to combat the thoughts in my head and make real true connection with those I'm with--as well as myself.

This er method has already started working. Because of the commitment I asked someone else to make with me, I can't break it and go to the party I was invited to on a Tuesday. I can't go drink after work because I have to meet a friend early in the morning to go hiking. 

Once you get a few days under your belt and honor your promise to yourself and in turn yourself it'll get easier. 

While last night was my first night of staying sober, I was challenged multiple times and it was hard to say no but I did and I feel so much better for it this morning. 

I also have a list written out as to why I don't want to drink (plus other goals) and I keep it printed out on my desk at work. I read it morning and night and check in to see how I did that day. Where did I do well, why? Where did I fall short, why?

It's a commitment and it's not easy but I know it's worth it. 

My list for not drinking is:

• reduce mood swings and anxiety
• increase sleep
• reduce spending to save
• physical fitness (who wants to go to the gym hungover?)
• my job (showing up on time is a thing I heard)
• my friends (not being able to be present or there for them is something I've come across too many times)
• my relationship (being a new one I cannot grow false connections with him early on)

So while it's called "Sober October" I'm starting well yesterday. Having a goal that's only a month seems more attainable than to never drink ever again in my life. 

One day at a time people.

Cheers! ;)

Cat Socks, Sequin Shorts and a Mink Farmer

This post is not up lifting.

I have no deep insight.

I just want to write down every epic part of my night / morning before I come off this high it gave me and I'm back to reality.

So I started off my night with my favorite sandwich ever, peanut butter and bananas.

Ya that shit is bananas.

I don't usually eat peanut butter because it freaks me out with the fat content, it's an anorexic thing, but this time it was ok because I knew I'd be dancing it all off.

Then my friend came over and we got ready together. She gets me like no one else does. Like half the time I don't have to finish my sentence and she knows what I'm going to say. She likes me for me, even though I'm really weird, but so is she. It works.

I can't think of a better person to ring in 2012 with.

So after putting on insane amounts of glitter we head to WaMu Theater to see NERO!

Yup with a face like that who wouldn't want to dance with me?

Please note my slight sarcasm.

We get into the venue and venture to every beer garden to find our friends.

View from said beer garden. aka we found them.

So off we go to dance to Congorock. He was pretty decent my friends.

So my friend has a dance partner. I do not. I get bored dancing alone and start to fret about my NYE kiss (about 1.5 hours away) when I see him. Tall blond sexy man. I swallow my fear and ask him to dance. He says yes. Great success. I stay with him most of the night. Find out he's a mink farmer from Portland and also a gentleman and possibly gay :)

Midnight hits white and gold balloons fall ... confetti sticks to me ... EVERYWHERE. Yes I had some in my bra when I came home.

Then Nero comes on. OMGHOLYMOLYSOFUCKINGGOOD.

So I'm in love and quickly losing my hearing and loving it.

My new man friend leaves for a bit and I look to my right to see a friend from school. I haven't seen him in years? He was on the cheer squad and yells "Do you want to go on my shoulders?"

Oh no! No I do not. That is scary and not safe. I think I'll stay down here like a pansy.

Is my first reaction.

But then I get a brain in my head and realize OMG YES I DO.

So up I go!

Then Nero starts mixing my favorite song...

I'm thinking is this real life?

Yes. Yes it is. So I stay up there until I'm convinced that I'm going to crush my friend.

Dance the rest of the night away. Alana Watson came on a couple times too. I wish I was her. However I do not sing and I do not know Nero. Fail.

After an amazing show about 1? Nero leaves. I scream that I'll have his children if he wants. He doesn't respond.

We break. Then I go back for Portland's number. He asks me for mine. He's really cute the way he shakes his little booty. I'm 99% sure he's not straight by now.

Then Tritonal comes on. Never heard of them but my man for the night is in love and I can see why. They are great! Check em out.

So we leave. Get hollered at by a zillion people back to the car. Lovely.

Get home but my nights not over. My friend comes over and we hang out til 5 ish am playing Mario Kart. WHY DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT DRIFTING IN THIS GAME UNTIL I AM ALMOST 24 YEARS OLD?!

Oh well it's a new year and I'm making that my current resolution. Learn how to drift and be more bad ass at MK.

So that's my night. It's the first sober NYE I have had since I was 16 and it was the best one yet.

Hope you all had a great one too.

Kris.