Just Cried In A Ball On My Floor

Exhaustion.

That's what I feel.
Emotionally.
Physically.

But I want to capture this. I want to share this with you.

It was hard for me to not go to the gym tonight, I still needed to move but I'm getting too obsessed with the gym again so I came home and put on my Sporty Spice outfit (sports bra and yoga pants).

I start trying to gogo dance and realize it's not authentic and I'm just trying too hard.
So I lose the mirror and go into my room.
Dancing for myself by myself.

I start moving into some yoga when I tire.

Then on comes Kaskade's Invisible.

Memories of high school come rushing back.
It's been on the surface as I'm talking about my molestation and need for acceptance in therapy and groups more often.

I see myself. My many faces. I feel my pain, depression, confusion.

I hear the lyrics "every day I try to look my best even when inside I'm such a mess."

I'm no longer in my studio in Seattle. I'm no longer 26. I'm 15. I'm in the halls. I'm seeing the looks, I'm hearing the words that still cut me. The pain is so real and so raw it over comes me.
As I try to go through my moves I succumb to the pain.
I almost collapse into the memory that feels so real.
I have not allowed myself to think about that time since it happened.
It's too much.
I'm curled up on the floor, sweating, crying, shaking.

The song fades and I feel like I will not move from this spot ever. I feel I will be stuck in my high school at 17 and anorexic forever.

My concept of time is gone.

Moments but what feels like hours later Titanium by David Guetta feat Sia comes on.

Goosebumps move from my heart outward.

"You shout it out but I can't hear a word you say."

I always relate that to my ED and everything he says to me.

I'm snapped out of it immediately (so much for my dramatic comment earlier).
I'm at Ultra in Miami two years ago.

I feel the night's humidity, the lights bounce off my skin, the beat moves me.
Moves us--the crowd and I are one.
All of us strangers brought together for one purpose.
Unity.
There's power here.
Power in the universe.

I feel it here in my room. I realize my arms are up and I'm mouthing the words as tears stream down my face, "You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium."

I do power yoga moves until I collapse once again with pure anger.
Anger at this disorder.

"Shooting at the ones who run."

I am so mad at my eating disorder. Preying on my weakness. Relentless. But I am becoming new. I have power in the universe, there is power in me.

The anger and the determination mix and I am clawing at the carpet.
I heave with each trying breath, harder to get out.
There is so much passion here.
Passion within me to live.

It ends.

I rest, waiting to see what my higher power picks for me next.

Moment For Life by Nicki Minaj.

I'm brought back to a post I wrote a couple of years ago.

It was when I first felt the presence of myself. Of my authentic self. When I first felt alive in a long time.

It was the first time in years, YEARS, I wasn't numb. I felt my anger. I felt it strong.

I am taken back to the sunny gym on an innocent Sunday afternoon where I punched the bag until my knuckles bled and my arms couldn't.

I think of that girl and I'm so fucking proud of her.
I look at me now and I see who she's grown into.

And I'm so proud of where she's going.

I wish I could have this moment for life.

PS Yes I took a picture and yes it looks so much more dramatic and cheesy out of the moment but what I just experienced, and what I just wrote about was real and I wanted to try and convey that in more mediums than one. So there I am raw and real.

Let's Get Sexual.

I've been waiting for you.

The anticipation is killing me.

This excitement only comes with the unknown.

My heart skips a beat. My head races.

Then I see you.

My stomach drops.

You start off slow. Tease me.

With the lightness of a breath you trace up my spine.

My body is alive with anticipation.

My breath quickens.

I let out a yell.

I can't help myself. 

I want you. All of you.

You've enveloped my senses.

I don't know where I am.

What have you done.

Don't stop.

You bite at my ears.

Play with my hair.

I stretch my body to the sky.

Vulnerable.

It's just us.

Just do it. 

Make me lose control.

And with one movement. In one second. 

You have all of me. I'm yours.

Pulse push twist turn. 

Grab me. Hold me.

Make me work.

Push me harder. Pump it faster.

Excitement shakes through my body.

Here it comes.

Lift me up. Get me high.

Sweat drips. Hearts race.

I pulse to your pace.

I'm yours if you just take it-take it all away.

You see me at my worst and bring out my best.

You make me feel alive. Transformed

Take me away from who I am. Where I am. What I am.

Make the impossible possible.

There's nothing other than this moment.

And this is all I need.

Exhausted you slow.

I've never felt more alive. Calm, serene yet awake—aware.

Present.

You are my hope. 

My ease. Happiness. 

Maybe everything will be ok.

Maybe life is this simple.

EDM you are everything. 

So I was trying to be dirty and make you think I was talking about ChaCha and I and well that's just none of yo bizznass. But I wrote this to apply to how EDM makes me feel time and time again. Nothing but my higher power who I call God and electronic dance music get me as elated as they do.

So screw you bulimia and alcoholism. I just need to hear the bass drop.

Numb : My Remix

Yes, I'm talking about Linkin Park's song...but I like this version better.

After writing my blog post the other day I had an enormous response from you all that support me. It started to make my recovery voice louder than my Ed voice. While I'm not great, I'm most certainly not where I was. I really was scared that I was going back into that hell.

I came across this remix of Numb and became obsessed, comforted and inspired all in a moment.

So here's my take on it. Maybe it'll help you understand why I'm crazy and why recovery is so hard.

"Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Skinny, perfect
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

There's no hope here with you

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Expectations get higher and higher
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Remembering my glory days of Ed, when I was thin and "everyone liked me" "everyone thought I was hot" "everything was great"
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

Every time I do something recovery focused there's Ed telling me that I'm doing it wrong. I can't eat breakfast, I can't buy bigger sizes, I can't think that I look pretty…there's always a rebuttal 
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

I follow Ed's commands—"you" here is me, the real me
Become so tired, so much more aware

This represents me in recovery, I'm sick of being sick and I am aware of my disorder
I'm becoming this, all I want to do

'this' means Ed again
Is be more like me and be less like you
Pretty self explainatory. I want to be me, whoever that is and less like the girl I have been for 11 years

Can't you see that you're smothering me,

Every action every choice Ed is there. He doesn't let me breathe without his permission
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?

Every time I get closer to recovery he snaps me back, because he is afraid of losing control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.

My weight has gone up, I've started to be an independent thinker and challenging his ways and he's becoming meaner and more harsh because he can see me walking away from him
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.

Every step in recovery I make never comes easy, it's always with regret remorse and a takes a lot of reasoning.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take.
This can go two ways, every second I waste not working out is a wasted moment

OR
Every second I spend in this disease is a waste of my life

And I know
I may end up failing too.
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.
This last part means a lot to me because it reminds me that even when I was in my "glory days" it was never good enough and the same Ed that's talking now was talking to that glorified sick Kris telling her he's disappointed in me.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

beats.

I did a crazy thing the other day.

I dropped (I feel so cool when I say that) $249.99 on MIXR BEATS BY DR.DRE.

I then spent $39.99 on a protection plan with the boys at Best Buy...which gets me new head phones no questions asked for two years any time I need em.

After spending this insane amount on headphones (I have trouble spending more than $5 on a foot long from Subway) I was ecstatic. I even called people to tell them how excited I was.

After taking them out of the cool box with Dr. Dre's face on it, and putting aside the catalog that came with the headphones (in case I wanted to throw the rest of my savings away into some ear buds) and I popped these bad boys on...

my high died.

They sound sick. But being a regular ol gal that barely knows treble from bass (DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE TO COMPARE TO EACH OTHER?) and Sony from Bose, I wasn't sure if I really should have spent that much.

Now. We all know I like music. Or for those of you who don't, I like music. There now we are on the same page. I have spent more money on concerts and shows and raves in the last year than anything else (EXCEPT MY DUI...). I listen to music morning day and night. And I want epic head phones that make me feel cool look cool
(and clearly these did)

oh plus they have to be quality.

I got that with beats but I don't think it was worth it.

PROS

They are fucking durable.

They have that epic b on the side that lets everyone know that you manned up and bought beats.

They have a volume control on them and you can mute them without touching your music device.

They have a carrying case and can be folded up easily. So you're not attempting to break them every time you shove them away.

They sound great. From what I know, I really liked the quality. I could hear each beat much clearer than I could in the other cheaper headphones at Best Buy.

CONS

They are $250.

They hurt the hell out of my ears. It was like they were pinned back. I had to keep adjusting them through out my day.

If I'm going to pay $250 for head phones I want to wear them when I work out, but I didn't like how hot they made me (but then again they are on the ear head phones).

So there you have it. If you get a great tax return look into them but if not and you're broke as shit don't.

:)

Cat Socks, Sequin Shorts and a Mink Farmer

This post is not up lifting.

I have no deep insight.

I just want to write down every epic part of my night / morning before I come off this high it gave me and I'm back to reality.

So I started off my night with my favorite sandwich ever, peanut butter and bananas.

Ya that shit is bananas.

I don't usually eat peanut butter because it freaks me out with the fat content, it's an anorexic thing, but this time it was ok because I knew I'd be dancing it all off.

Then my friend came over and we got ready together. She gets me like no one else does. Like half the time I don't have to finish my sentence and she knows what I'm going to say. She likes me for me, even though I'm really weird, but so is she. It works.

I can't think of a better person to ring in 2012 with.

So after putting on insane amounts of glitter we head to WaMu Theater to see NERO!

Yup with a face like that who wouldn't want to dance with me?

Please note my slight sarcasm.

We get into the venue and venture to every beer garden to find our friends.

View from said beer garden. aka we found them.

So off we go to dance to Congorock. He was pretty decent my friends.

So my friend has a dance partner. I do not. I get bored dancing alone and start to fret about my NYE kiss (about 1.5 hours away) when I see him. Tall blond sexy man. I swallow my fear and ask him to dance. He says yes. Great success. I stay with him most of the night. Find out he's a mink farmer from Portland and also a gentleman and possibly gay :)

Midnight hits white and gold balloons fall ... confetti sticks to me ... EVERYWHERE. Yes I had some in my bra when I came home.

Then Nero comes on. OMGHOLYMOLYSOFUCKINGGOOD.

So I'm in love and quickly losing my hearing and loving it.

My new man friend leaves for a bit and I look to my right to see a friend from school. I haven't seen him in years? He was on the cheer squad and yells "Do you want to go on my shoulders?"

Oh no! No I do not. That is scary and not safe. I think I'll stay down here like a pansy.

Is my first reaction.

But then I get a brain in my head and realize OMG YES I DO.

So up I go!

Then Nero starts mixing my favorite song...

I'm thinking is this real life?

Yes. Yes it is. So I stay up there until I'm convinced that I'm going to crush my friend.

Dance the rest of the night away. Alana Watson came on a couple times too. I wish I was her. However I do not sing and I do not know Nero. Fail.

After an amazing show about 1? Nero leaves. I scream that I'll have his children if he wants. He doesn't respond.

We break. Then I go back for Portland's number. He asks me for mine. He's really cute the way he shakes his little booty. I'm 99% sure he's not straight by now.

Then Tritonal comes on. Never heard of them but my man for the night is in love and I can see why. They are great! Check em out.

So we leave. Get hollered at by a zillion people back to the car. Lovely.

Get home but my nights not over. My friend comes over and we hang out til 5 ish am playing Mario Kart. WHY DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT DRIFTING IN THIS GAME UNTIL I AM ALMOST 24 YEARS OLD?!

Oh well it's a new year and I'm making that my current resolution. Learn how to drift and be more bad ass at MK.

So that's my night. It's the first sober NYE I have had since I was 16 and it was the best one yet.

Hope you all had a great one too.

Kris.

Top Ten Favorite Songs (as of today)

I don't know about you boys and girls but I really like music.

I've come to find that it's the only sure fire way to boost my bad, grumpy, mood.

Don't get me wrong...I'd crack a smile if you gave me a hundred big ones but like that's going to happen.

So instead of filling up the emptiness inside me (...ok that was a little dramatic) with cookies and cream ice cream or hiding under my covers or being incredibly unpleasant to the poor souls that cross my path ... I put on my gigantic green head phones.



Here's what I listen to.

1. Give Me Everything - Pitbull (feat. Ne-Yo, Afrojack & Nayer)
-"LET'S FORGET GUYS TONIGHT! I JUSSS WANNA DANCE!"
-but seriously we are NOT guaranteed tomorrow so grab somebody sexy tell em HEY. shoot that line works on me.


2. Firework - Katy Perry (Wideboys Club Remix)
-BECAUSE BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK...work...work...work...talk about confidence boost.


3. Did It On Em - Nicki Minaj
-I like the intro it's all twisted and sounds like something bad ass is going to happen. Nicki Minaj's music gives me that boost of attitude, makes me feel like I got 5 times cooler just by listening to her.


4. Lights - Ellie Goulding (Wired Dubstep Remix)
-I love her voice and the dubstep remix together...when I walk around Bellevue with this playing in my head it's kind of like I'm in another world. A more entertaining one.

5.For the First Time - The Script (8Barz Remix)

-such a happy song ... well in a way ... I like the story behind it. It's real because of the situation (losing jobs, growing apart, confusion in the relationship)but with a happy ending.


6. Beautiful People - Chris Brown and Benny Benassi (Radio Edit)
-the beginning beat makes me think of steel drums ... Jamaica (even though I've never been) ... and white sandy beaches ... then the words come in and beat drops and it's a roll your windows down go crazy in the car song.

7. I'm On One - DJ Khaled (feat. Drake, Rick Ross and Lil Wayne)
-because it makes me just want to feel the beat and Drake's voice is so sexy.

8. Strobe - Deadmau5
- I NEVER GET OF THIS SONG! Just makes you want to move, do your runway walk (I know you've got one), or on the other hand just chill ... good concentration music ... with random bursts of raving.

9. Ecstasy - ATB
-really good work out song.

10. Haunt You - Flux Pavillion
-Haunt You is a great title because ... well ... the song has that unyielding woman's cry for vocals. To me it's like the woman is yelling or even moaning for help; begging. When she stops the beat picks up meaning she's running from whatever made her cry out.

Anyway thought this would be fun and also to give a little tribute to the music and artists that help me enjoy my day.

Thanks for reading! What do you guys like?

<3 Kris.