I Quit My Job. Like 2 Minutes Ago.

I haven't been writing because I've been busy.
Because I've been stressed and anxious and depressed.
I don't always know how to put what I'm feeling into words.
Which makes me feel stupid and get more frustrated and then I cannot think and it reminds me of school.
And then I shut down (but I'm getting better at this).

Lately I've lost myself.
Stepped down from IOP then bam work had an incredibly busy week and I was staying 2 hours late every day.
I was unable to get home early so I could journal, practice cooking, eat normal meals, work on recovery, HAVE A LIFE.

Oh it upsets me so much that work has gotten it's claws in my life again.
I have worked so fucking hard and spent months and so much fucking money on getting better so I can start to live and then what do they do? They run me right back into the ground.

They give me--everyone--too much work. They make me bitter. They make me angry. And anxious. And mad. There is such a lack of respect and caring in that terrible place. It's indescribable.

For the past three years I have done nothing but try so hard to work my way up in that company. To stay late, come in early, do the extra work, train people, do projects, work on marketing copy, morale boosting and everything EVERY FUCKING THING was taken from me. Because we got too busy. Because this fucking company pushes so much product without hiring enough people to handle it. They just want money and they do not care about their employees.

So every job I have applied for I can mention the projects and skills I KIND OF have and I KIND OF did until we got too busy and my main job was to write about fucking tee shirts and tutus until ungodly hours and was told to put a smile on my face and finish my work as my eating disorder and depression slowly crept back up.

This place has fucking trapped me. I have not enough experience to leave but it is no longer (and never was) a healthy place to get experience to move up or out.

I see how miserable my co workers are.
How they are having to go to therapy too, how some are having actual physical side effects from the job, who were once happy people are not wanting to come to work anymore.

And now that I have done this song and dance twice I see myself creeping back into the days of not wanting to show up to life. Of being bitter and cutting and mean. Of not wanting to eat, wanting to eat everything. Of being angry and not knowing why. I see this fucking company ruining my life again--and no I'm not just complaining you have no idea how negative and unhealthy it is there--and I'm saying no this time.

Most of this has been about what this company has done TO me, which leaves me feeling powerless.

But it feels empowering to say I am choosing to leave because my recovery does come first.

I am petrified I will not find a full time job again, ever.

I have had three interviews this week and all of them fell through.

I just don't understand when my break comes, when my hard work pays off because all of my life I have been working and I have never really had one.

Ok but yes positivity.

I wish I could show this blog to an employer. And show them what passion I have, my honesty. I wish I could tell them how my career has gone and why my resume is so lacking. I wish someone would take pity on me and say actually after meeting you in person you fucking rock. You are funny. You are charming. You are determined, a hard worker, a great writer, innovative, outgoing, honest, positive--but you swear too much. But shit we'll hire you.

Where is my employer Prince Charming?