I Got Dumped. Again.

So I'm really feeling the whole poor me vibe right now.
Just fucking grooving on it.

Everything was clear and happy and fine when I got dumped last night (truly it was).
And then it slowly started to sink in and from midnight until now I feel like butt.
Lame, lost, lonely.

It makes sense that we aren't together. He was a dick and I was anxious all the time.
You can't force chemistry and trust and love.

I so truly believed that we were meant to be together that I didn't want to give up. That life without him didn't make sense. I did what I saw in the movies and read about in books, I just kept fighting. And in the end it wasn't the answer. I was wrong. I failed.

That's one thing that's bothering me. What I did, and what I put my heart into failed, like horribly. I'm trying to not feel stupid for trying because I thought that's what you were supposed to do when you loved someone. I had never been in love before. I didn't know what to do when I lost it. But in my heart I knew something was off...so I'm also mad I didn't listen to myself.

Lesson learned out of that one. Doesn't make the shame go away.

The other is how fucking fine he is without me.

It's like night and day.

Before I was contacting him, being sweet, trying to get a laugh, trying to find him again, get something--anything with no real response. It was like talking to a stranger. I took so much risk and put so much heart into everything these past two weeks to try to get him back and I was so strongly rejected. And now when he's done with me he's fucking fantastic.

Ouch.

I don't like feeling this whipped. Or is that just my pride getting in the way of the universe helping me work this out so seamlessly?

I mean I'm going to feel what I'm going to feel regardless of how I look at the situation, but it matters how I act on the situation. And honestly I haven't left my house all day because currently I'm scared to face the world. And I don't like that.

I mean where's my pride kick? And my I did this for me? It's not here. I got dumped. I'm not walking away I'm laying on the ground. And it's even more confusing because what we are doing now is actually working (well minus this strong aversion to how everything is happening that I'm having).

The guy I first had a crush on is back, he's funny, he's kind, he's actually fucking talking to me. And I feel like I can be myself around him again. And I'm hoping that we organically grow back together as we grow a part as people.

So I should be fucking happy but I feel like shit. I feel rejected. I feel less than. I feel lonely.

Last thing, man this is long, and most important thing I realized this morning while journaling is that this reminds me of my very lonely childhood-teen years.

After I was sexually abused things changed drastically for me. There was no more trust, no more love, I was alone. That's when the kids started to be mean in school. I didn't have many friends. And that's how confused and twisted and desperate my life was until I figured out that boyfriends could fill that void and they have ever since.

Now I'm in recovery and I don't know what being single and healthy looks like. And while I want it to be exciting and I want to have this passion for life and this drive to figure out who I am I also am just really demoralized, scared and sad.