How PLUR Is Helping Me Find Me

I do not think I have ever hurt this much.
I have never been this far in recovery either.
I am determined to not numb out with food or booze or drugs or hurting myself.

I had him and I lost him.

I can barely breathe it hurts so badly.

My life changed in an instant.

It is hard to explain without re traumatizing myself.

I am so incredibly tired. Everything hurts. I wake up and my heart drops into my stomach. I'm cold. I shake. I reach out for him and he's not there. He will never be there again. I clutch the stuffed animal he gave me telling him how much I miss him and how sorry I am. I can barely get the tears out.I squeeze it harder trying to feel something other than this. Do I let go? Do I fight?

I let alcohol and my lack of self respect take away the love of my life.

In the moment I had no idea what would happen. I thought I was being brave and going out of my comfort zone. Being social and that these men were actually interested in ME. I made it clear I had a boyfriend. I made it clear I would go home after one drink. I made it clear I did not want to take those shots. It did not matter. And now it does not matter.

I am tempted to feel as though I am back to where I was with men. Feeling they will leave me when it is hard. That they cannot be trusted. I wince when they touch me. When they look at me. Or then there is a rage that comes out when I am called at. All of that work I did. All of the recovery. Gone in a night. In a night I do not remember. A night I did not consent to.

But that is not true. My years of work from my first  incident to what occurred most recently is not gone. In fact if I keep working the way I have my recovery can be more reinforced. I am sacred, I am beautiful and I am me. I am not for you to do with what you please. And I can no longer look for my joy and my confidence and my self worth from you.

From you or him or them or likes or ass grabs and phone numbers and compliments. From jobs and raises and money. From clothing and area codes and cars.

Because I am finding out, from the hardest way possible that when you do not have any income, when you do not have a job and when you do not have a significant other that what you are left with is you.

And right now being left with just me is lonely. It's sad. It's empty. There is nothing to me it seems.

But this self destructive thinking will only get me back to wanting attention anywhere I can get it. And so I have been working on my values.

And I have gotten them from the EDM community.

Peace
Love
Unity
Respect

And I define them slightly differently for myself depending on what I'm working on that day. I've been writing them in a journal in the morning, writing out goals and checking in with them at night.

Peace in my mind and with others. I am not a bad person for what happened or mistakes I made. And I repeat that over and over again. And not all people are out to get me or will judge me for what I have done.

Love stands for acts and feelings of goodwill towards myself and others. Love for and from my friends right now especially during this time.

Unity with food and my body.

Respect means focusing on showing regard for the feelings of others through their actions and inaction. While also of course having respect for myself and my environment. Also in his wishes to leave him alone.

And it's scary to look at myself and I really just do not want to. I have not yet had the guts to say what I do like about myself because I feel after what happened that I am not deserving of praise or anything good. But my friends have been here every hour of every day bringing me up, and that must mean I'm worth something. I'm just not sure what that is yet.