Some Stuff That I Wrote In My Blog

I met with my therapist this morning at 10 AM well it was like 10:07 AM because for those of you who know me, you know you can count on me to be late.

And I babbled and blubbered--ok that's not giving me the credit or the seriousness that I want this to go--I cried like no one was watching.

I tried explaining what it's like to be me. And how confused I am as to how I am so confused about life.
How is it that everything seems to be a fight for me?

My alarm goes off and for 10 dreamy seconds I'm ok then my heart drops. I remember who I am and what I have to do that day and what I didn't do yesterday. Anxiety controls my life now. ED too but now that that's subsiding more it's anxiety.

Now that I don't as much obsess over appearance and what did I eat what will I eat, and how much I hate my job, I'm now left with tasks. What to do, what didn't I do and I'm not present in my life. I am not happy.

I struggle to face the day. I have to force myself out of bed. I have to force myself to eat and then to not over eat. Then to go on my reflection walks then to stop going on my reflection walk. To start my task list for the day and to go on to the next task for the day.

It's just a fight. And I am just constantly, sad. It's like sad, negative is my stable place. My home.

I do not want it to be. I reach out. I reframe. I read positive quotes. I listen to positive music. I talk to my cat. I stop to smell the roses. But I feel like I keep pushing and willing myself to go on, to find a neutral ground that isn't depression.

I explained this in gross sobs to my therapist (like the ones where your mouth gets all sticky and you really need Chapstick and a tissue and water all at once). And she said it sounds like you feel "LIFE IS HAPPENING TO YOU."

Yes. Yes ma'am that's it.

NOW HOW DO I FUCKING STOP?!

So I'm practicing saying things like I get to do this, rather than I have to do this.

Trying to do less.

Be present and appreciate the things I do.

Then I talked to the man about all this. He doesn't ever have feelings--well that he tells me about. So it makes me feel more crazy since I'm a roller coaster of crazy. And the main thing he said that stuck out to me was that when he was depressed he hated being in that space so much that he did everything in his power to get out of there.

And well I hate being here and I guess I just have to keep working and moving and doing to get out of here. Like I actually CAN get out of this space. I just don't know HOW.

While also having room for being sad. I mean I'm in recovery, I lost my job, I don't know how I'm going to pay rent next month...that's kind of a fuck ton. So it's all legit. But ya. I am sick of being a victim of my life. I want to feel like I'm doing something, like I have a say, like I'm moving in the right direction.

I just don't know WHAT that is. That's probably the other huge reason for my depression. I am applying to anything and everything and nothing seems to be working. I have no direction. I like goals and I like answers and right now I don't have concrete ones.

Oh and the last thing that helped today was me meeting with a friend that just justified everything I was feeling. I generally feel very alone in my misery, confusion, depression and it just helps to know I'm not. Not that I want you people to be sad but I just for whatever reason feel less alone then.

I feel like I'm just blabbing now. Ok I'm done. Bye.

Oh wait and I haven't binged or purged in five days and that's great. And I have been cooking more which is amazing. Cooking to me is like people starting a new workout  or getting the guts to talk to that cute girl -- I just make up as many excuses as possible and eat my same disordered dinner / lunch / whatever. So go me. Look at that progress!