Blind to the Beauty

I'm beyond frustrated with myself.

I am so tired of being stressed, of always having something wrong, of never being able to just enjoy life. I mean I have worked so hard to get where I am and it's not good enough.

There is always something(s) I have not done, something bearing over me, pressing on me that's wedging me between reality and my mind.

I feel like every post, every conversation, every ounce of me focuses on and works so hard to find the good, be positive, to be better and I'm so tired of having to work. When does it become easier? When does it become natural? When do I get to just wake up and appreciate who I am, all the work I've done?

If it was possible I would throw myself up against a wall. I would shake myself until I finally got it out of my system. That is how much violent anger and frustration is in me. 

IT being...I don't even know...this overpowering urge to just rip myself a part. Nothing is ever good enough, there is always something to do, to put in a list, to improve, to make an excuse for...I cannot just BE.

I'm frustrated to tears right now because I see how I want my life to be and it takes so much fucking work to appreciate who I am and those moments of clarity take so much effort it's exhausting. And I just want to give up. But I don't. But I do.

I just want to give myself credit for all the fucking work I've done. The work it takes to make and eat breakfast everyday, the effort it takes to go on my morning walks, to wear jeans, to quit my fucking job, to overcome addiction, sexual abuse. I want to see the beauty everyone sees.

Oh now I'm crying.
Because I believe you guys. I believe I am beautiful. I believe I have a big heart. I believe I'm generous. And funny. And kind. And honest. And a good writer. And I believe I have a light about me but I cannot see it. 

I live in the dark and I so badly want out but I don't know how.

I'm in a constant battle with my mind. I've got to text this person about plans, oh apply for that job, oh who was that reference?, call food stamps, write down a list of shit to do while I'm on hold, oh ya I wanted to try that recipe, oh fuck when is my dietitian appointment?, didn't that girl say I lost weight?, crap what did I do with that fax?, I should text my boyfriend how much I love him, shit did I just hang up on that call?

I'm constantly going and doing and I feel like I'm getting nothing done.

I'm unemployed and I'm still as stressed out and busy as if I wasn't.

I cannot shake the nagging feeling that I have something to do, that I'm not ok, or stable or safe.

I am tired of having a hard time. I am tired of complaining (but then again I can't keep this in). I am tired of not enjoying my life but I don't know how to let go, how to live, how to not just rip myself a part for who I'm not and what I don't have and what I haven't done.

Because doing all of those things, making lists, checking them off, being busy, perusing these things is supposed to help make things easier and it hasn't fucking happened.

I lessened treatment, I quit that hell hole and I am still stressed, anxious and fucking moody as all hell.

I just want peace.
I'm not giving up but I just have felt this weight, carried this weight of being me for so long and it seems to be getting heavier and I don't know when I'm going to break and I don't know how much more I can take.

I'm just living on that blind faith like everyone says it will get better, I deserve better. I just wish better would come soon.

My attempt at an omelet.

Max licking me while I'm trying to stretch.

Rainier Cherries

Rich part of town

They don't know this yet but I'm going to live there one day.

Pride :)