It's Clear Now.

Today I learned that a girl I spent my junior high, high school and some time in college with took her life.

We have the same name, spelled the same way.
There's a funny bond with that.
Something you can default to when there's nothing else to laugh about.
But that's not all we had.
We had hours of soccer together and school, but not in the way that we were good friends more like good acquaintances. But it's those short interactions I had during those years that matter. Those minutes and moments that I did have with her are so clear in my mind because she was always seemingly herself.

I remember being rather resistant to her because of her strong personality. Her confidence. Not sure what to make of this light in my junior high and early high school days.

When I think of her now I see her bright blue eyes and hear her laugh clearly. I see her tenacity on the field. And then come the foggy random memories at parties and in the dorms.

But then there are the ones more recently when I wasn't so insecure and when I was in recovery. When I could appreciate her for who she was, not envy but admire and be inspired by her.

And now I am so sad and heartbroken over what the world has lost, and I barely even got to know her.

I remember us talking about her backpacking exploits and marveling at her dreads and how she was living--she was doing IT. Just going and doing and being. And she still had that smile and that laugh.

She didn't talk to me long last time I saw her, I feel like she was always so busy and social. But it was enough for me to see HER.

I want to be like that some day. To stand with someone briefly and when I leave leave a presence of me. Have my self awareness, my confidence and aura just radiate from me without doing anything but just being.

During times like these there are a lot of emotions and one that I'm feeling strongly is a sense of direction. Of calm.

Life now seems more simple.
And clear.

What I thought mattered doesn't as much.
What I thought was confusing, and hard is now curious and beautiful.
My struggles are now my strengths.