Bleh Puking is Gross

I haven't done an update since well I did one last.
I just finished throwing up twice.
I hurt.
Like I'm kind of curled up right now typing.
But I have an overwhelming urge to write.
Here's an update.
I'm drinking again. Alcoholism is a self-diagnosed disease. So if I say I have it I do and if I say I don't well I don't (kind of).
I know my drinking was a big issue, there's no denying that, and there's no saying I'm 'cured' but after my trip to NYC where I let booze back into my life I haven't wanted to take it out.
I think I can learn to control it. Drink responsibly. Just like I can learn to 'control' food. Eat responsibly.
I since I started drinking again I've moderated and I've just gotten drunk.
It hasn't been like the last times but it's no where near perfect moderation.
I'm finding though that as my mind turns to needing something I say no to alcohol especially when I'm alone. I like that I'm doing this.
I have a Seahawks game on Saturday with ChaCha. His first American game! No footie here you Spaniard.
Anyway.
And last year I went to a game and prefunked at oh 10 on the bus by myself and got shit faced. Don't remember a damn thing and made a fool out of myself.
I'm very much looking forward to that not happening this time around.

Another thing is I left The Moore Center. I just couldn't bring myself to go anymore. At first it was pride and then I started sliding backward so then it was shame that kept me away. Neither my therapist or nutritionist seemed to care (no emails / calls) so I really couldn't bear to ask to go back. But that is a stupid grudge / embarrassment I've created in my mind. I'll make amends when I'm ready.

So now I'm on the search for a new therapist and dietitian on the hill. I have an appointment this Monday and a dietitian reached out to me after I never confirmed an appointment.

I really wish I was fixed. I wish I was better. I feel like I'm worse than I was a year ago and I'm so ashamed. So fucking ashamed. Why are others getting it and I'm not?

I also feel more ashamed when people tell me they are proud of me and how hard I'm working when currently I'm really just giving up and giving in. I BP multiple times a day every day. I just today started trying to stop by calling friends, shopping, walking my cat (yes that's right) but as soon as I stopped trying it hit me. And then I did it again.

Here I am once again wishing I hadn't. Feeling sick. Full of shame and remorse and hate yet empty inside.

I really can't tell you how much I appreciate those of you who still check in on me. And to my girl friends who constantly try to understand and who show me they care. I really need it and I'm so sorry I'm not better, not better as in not sick but just a better person. That I can't seem to try harder. That I can't get it. I'm hoping that this is a low I never have to feel again. And hopefully the only way from here is up.

Love.