Of course we mostly look perfect (even if it is a silly picture), we tag ourselves at only the cool places, and do status updates that beg congratulations or at least a zillion comments about how "Mondays totally suck."
And I am guilty of this. I mean who isn't? It's not like we think our life is facebook-we know there's bad and the ugly too. But it's not out there. Which is why I think my blog is so popular.
And now what I'm about to show you isn't to get more readers, make my stats go up--whatever. What I'm about to show you is incredibly private.
No one has ever seen me binge and purge. It's been my secret for years and is slowly unfolding as I recover.
I just finished eating 9 muffins and 12 pancakes plus a yogurt (to help it come up easily) while watching Netflix. I ignored a text from my boy friend and a call from my mom (it's her birthday). My bedtime was 30 minutes ago seeing how I have to be at work at 7 AM and go to four meetings, finish my normal workload, apply for other jobs, go to an AA meeting, go to a personal training session and then dinner with my man and then another AA meeting.
This is my life it's its most honest, true, raw form. I have this fulfilling meaningful life with people I love and support and then I come home and I have my secrets, my shame and my eating disorder.
Last thing I'll say is that it always surprises me who reads this and who is kind enough to reach out to me. I am risking coworkers, ex boyfriends, my current man, aunt, mom's best friend, and future employers seeing this. But I feel more compelled to show you all the many faces of me. This is not who I am because I am not bulimia but it most certainly is a part of me. And maybe if it's out there and it's not so secret it can't have this hold on me. This shame.
Here is me on my best day:
And here is me now, after a binge:
You can see how swollen my face is from leaning over the toilet. My lips my nose even. And my jaw has started to get stuck open and swollen right next to my ears which freaks the fuck out of me but not enough to stop.
I'm not sure what I want out of this post--selfishly it's for me. So expose my ed and say that even though you see this---this thing that I become during a binge--that doesn't mean that's who I am. That doesn't mean you won't like me. The shame and secrecy is gone. It's all out there for anyone to see. It now holds no more power over me.
STOP IT. Seriously, if this is a body image issue you are at your worst after this binge/purge. Don't even call it a purge because a purge implies you are getting rid of something bad. It is destroying your body rather than helping. There are so many facts and figures that show you what you are doing is wrong for you. I want you to be happy and I know you can be without doing any of these destructive things. Eat food, enjoy the food you eat and remember quality over quantity. Take the time to count the number of chews between each bite (I prefer 23 for some reason). This will allow you to take the time to actually taste the food you are eating which will help you enjoy it more. It will let you taste all of the intricacies of each food you eat and will allow you to figure out more of what you like and don't like. Make eating food an experience rather than something to do while doing other things. I love you Kristin and I know I cannot possibly relate to your way of thinking, but I want you to stop this.
ReplyDeleteI do not know either of you and image that you know this girl personally. As an outsider reading this blog post I am inspired. This story is all to familiar to me and I applaud you, Kristen, for having the strength to post this. Yes you binged and purged but that is the bulimia. You also realize how this disorder lives inside of secrecy and the fact that you rose above this and posted it for anyone to see is amazing and beautiful. You are taking a step towards recovery just by putting it out there. I know how hard it is when people tell you to just stop because and eat normally because we know we would completely get rid of it if we could just wake up one morning and have it be gone. I am so ashamed of my bulimia and don't know if I would ever have the courage to do what you did but hopefully one day I can truly accept that I am not my bulimia while knowing that it is a part of me right now. I don't want this in my life and I believe you don't either but part of being in recovery is accepting things for what they are and not living in the dissolution of this disease anymore and I really think more people need to realize that.
DeleteThe past few months, I have been learning that knowing and loving Jesus is bringing all of our sin into the light. No more secrets. I am still struggling with unveiling it all--it feels like too much. It is so hard. What is it for? Why does it need to come out from hiding? Because that is not my life. God has brought me from that and washed me clean in Jesus. I know it sounds confusing and hard to believe. I believe that God will bring you through this too. I am inspired by your honesty and willingness to bring this struggle to the light. I am praying for you and really hope to see you some Sunday. Please reach out if you ever need to talk. Love you, lady.
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing this with us. I used to be bulimic but it was the phase of my life which is over. I was after the nasty breakup and eating my feelings with junk. you helped me to realize that continuing like that I will end very badly. Now thanks to these pictures I can help to cure my sister´s friend which is also bulimic and doesn´t know about the side-effect like chipmunk face. Please be strong! keeping my fingers crossed for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I could help! It's interesting how this post can be interpreted in so many ways, and now looking at it I find myself not in it but being pushed more towards recovery as you are.
DeleteI hope your sister's friend finds my pictures scary, raw and real--because that's what they are and that's what this is. Don't forget the blood vessels that pop around your eyes and cheeks. Those are not attractive.
Thank you for reading!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDo you have any tips on how to get rid of the bloating after a binge?
ReplyDeleteAlways drink powerade or gatorade.
DeleteI generally avoid people after so it doesn't matter.
But I use that feeling as fuel to not do it anymore.
I feel u. The faces of change is horrible
ReplyDeleteHonestly, now that I'm in recovery, this actually helps remind me of why I stay in recovery. God knows I wish you didn't have to suffer any of this - I wouldn't give bulimia or anorexia to my worst enemy. But know that it can help other people, all the same.
ReplyDeleteHi there 😊 I've stumbled across your article many times. I hope you're doing better now. Unfortunately I've had this problem teamed with anorexia for a few years, currently it is becoming a more frequent thing, to the point where it really is destroying my physical and mental health, alongside a non existent social life, which at 23 really is awful. The thing is its such an addiction, a cycle I really must break. Can you give any tips/advice on how to feel better after an episode? How do you make your face look better? I'm sorry, sending huge amounts of love to you xxx
ReplyDeleteHi,having cured from bulimia, I can give you these tips (the things that work for me). First, the fact that you are even writing this question proves that you are in the right path. I'm 23 as well and feel you. It was hard staying home a Friday night while my friends went out cause I had a chubby face (water retention in the face even if you have'nt purged the same day) or simply because you prefer staying home to binge. You actually caused something in your body that is called "primal hunger". After dieting so much and doing those binge/purge episode, your body has entered in this ongoing primal hunger mode. It means that with all the restriction your body has endured,it entered in a position where food is it's only preocupation. It always think that it's starving so of course you'll feel the urge to overeat.you'll need to eat normally for a couple of days to start feeling satisfied again and stat focussing on other stuff. Stuff that you used to love. Second, being hard on yourself simply makes it harder. It's ok to have litle slips. You can do this
DeleteI understand more than I'd like to admit. I'm not bulimic persay, but I'll binge and than starve myself for days. My face is always bloated to the point of it being unbearable after the binge, and I just want to stop and get a healthy eating style. Thank you for coming out, it helps me feel braver.
ReplyDeleteOmg, those photos was so me! And everyday I look worse because is so easy for me this last 2 years binge everything, and for that reason I do constantly. My face looks a mess... but I just can't stop it.
ReplyDeleteWhat if you could stop? I have, I'm not perfect but my life is so much better. My recovery is long, hard, ugly but it's still happening. If you need someone to talk to I do too. It's not weird, it's not scary, I probably understand you better than the people closest to you.
DeleteI would like to help you
DeleteHi! Are you still around? This reminds me so much of me. I'd love to chat with you sometime if you're able. Like you said, you probably understand me more than anyone. I've been bulimic for 3+ years and it's an almost all day every day thing.
ReplyDeleteHey, I am. Please email me at kris29wilhelmy@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI hope to hear from you soon <3
ReplyDeleteThis is how my face looks right now. I've neen struggling with the disorder for over 10 years. No one in my life knows about it but I'm terrified to tell and get help. I don't want to disappoint my mother or break her heart. She's dealt with enough. My sis just passed from addiction and now she'll have to worry about me. I don't want her to worry. I don't know what to do. I don't think I can stop on my own anymore. My urges are extremely strong and my face is starting to look so foreign. I don't look like myself anymore and I know everyone notices it.
ReplyDelete