I'm Being A Total Brat

I just realized I'm acting like a 5 year old.
Not that I'm around many 5 year olds but I think that's what they act like. Hm maybe more like a 7 year old.
Like I'm in that annoying phase where I just piss everyone off and I've lost all cuteness.

I can't stop moving around. I'm fidgety and feisty. I have been shaking my leg nonstop for like a week.

I want to make others feel as bad as I do.

I stayed at work until 8ish last night and I just HAD to tell my coworker that left early all about it. I wanted to make him feel bad that for once he took a break (when in reality he works as hard as I do and shows up to work on time).

But no I had to rub it in his face that he not only felt early, but he didn't stay to enjoy the BBQ I planned with the rest of the "Fun Committee" team. So rude.

Another reason I stayed so late last night was because I had come in late that morning.
I was late because I decided to throw up my oatmeal. Eat some more and do it again. And again.

When I got on my bike to race to work by 10:30 AM I felt free. I had left that little place I call home that's like a cage with me and my food and my hatred and my desires. As soon as I got out I realized that life is out there. I could go act like a normal person.

But then as soon as I got to work its like the doors closed on my cell again. There was more food and more stresses and more people. So I went to work, all day and late into the night. And by went ot work I mean I did my job like a boss but I also did not give into my binge desires. Even with free food all around plus a bbq and no one watching me.

And I fought hard-well that is until I didn't.

I got home and felt the need for SOMETHING-anything. Let me get out of this anxious feeling. Let me do something about this anger I have at work for makig me stay until 8 at night.

So naturally I ignored my small protests and went to the store.
I fought with myself back and forth, longer and harder than I have in a while but I gave in and ate a bazillion pancakes and got rid of them.

I felt calm. I felt better. But I also felt well sick. Sick of this. This is no way to live.

I prayed.

Then I had this idea to shower and as I did I asked God that he wash away my binge desires, my selfishness, these urges, this wicked disease.

I awoke ready to be at work on time and get shit done. Now I think I can make my new addiction work--we'll see how long this goes.

I awoke determined to have that free feeling again where I am not held down by the chains and rules of ED.

Then that vigor and fire to do right dwindled (yes in less than ten minutes)...my mind started to feel sorry for myself. Poor me that I'm so helpless over my bulimia. That I just can't fucking stop. That my work stresses me out so much no wonder I don't want to show up. No wonder I am tired all the time. No wonder I binge and purge as soon as I'm home because I want escape.

But am I really that different from anyone else? Yes I have a disease but I'm not the only one stressed.

AND something that's really just pissed me off is that I am on probation for missing so many days because of being out sick from bingeing and purging. So I can't miss anymore days but NOW they are upset that I'm not coming in on time. And while yes that's legit does anyone see HOW LATE I STAY? How I do do my work when I'm here?

And I'm pissed that I can't get a fucking raise after two years of being here because of my attendance but I have a fucking true deadly legit disease?!

Is this alright to be upset about?

My mind is racing back and forth from no no no say the serenity prayer to FUCK THEM ALL!

#crazy.