I realized the only time I deal with what I'm feeling is when I write in here because otherwise I just avoid it by watching Friday Night Lights or bingeing or both.
I was doing well for four days. Feeling like I had really changed. Was on the right track when. BAM. Friday night I did it. And so Saturday I tried not to but my anti puking skills were down from the day before so I just lost control again.
I was just standing in the aisles of QFC trying to find the latest and greatest food to eat. Since none of the other ones, even my best go-tos cut it anymore.
I got home and forced down three boxes of cereal. Ended up with a massive headache and didn't get out of bed until 8 PM.
This is kicking my ass.
But it's so hard to pul out of this when I'm in it.
It's a cylce. I've typed that so many times and even now, as I type out how much it sucks, just talking about it makes me want to do it. Again.
It makes no sense!
I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I was supposed to have a super productive cool weekend by working PAX and going to Bumbershoot and I got so sick I couldn't do either.
I bailed on friends.
I hate myself for doing it but obviously ed just makes itself more important.
Right now I could go wash my sheets, go donate clothes, figure out how the fuck to use mint.com. Apartment hunt. Paint my nails...and yet eating pancakes is what I'm likely to do.
BUT I have planned to go to an AA meeting tonight with a friend so I can't bail. AND I am planning on working all day tomorrow at PAX and then see Bassnectar after.
Not all will be lost to this. I can pull out of this. I have in the past and I will now.
I had a binge-y weekend too. Ate a bunch of stuff I'm supposed to avoid. Did the "last supper" kind of thing, but I'll bet I eat "bad" stuff again tomorrow since it's a holiday. Working on getting back onto a healthier meal schedule. I let myself indulge on all sorts of stuff on vacation - I was mostly ok with that, until the food frenzy... But I know the responsibility is mine, no one else's. And I know I will do it, even if it takes falling in the hole and getting out a number of times. Sometimes that's what happens when you put one foot in front of the other, instead of staying stuck in the same old place.
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