So I Bought Some Pancake Mix.

I have had a long day.
I was at PAX this morning at 6:45 AM with my fake eyelashes on ready to charm some gamers.
Then when my short whirlwind shift of meeting a ton of people that have all worked together before in an overwhelming electronic environment I went to my real job and pushed through 9.5 frustrating hours of something to do every time I finished something else.

I was very very tempted to binge at that point. I had a whole box of cereal. I could just eat it all. Not have to focus on my work or the stress...just eat and get a high off it being secretive. But I didn't because I remembered that this feeling will pass.

I get home around 6:45 and know I have a meeting to go to for AA that I didn't go to last week because I was sick from bingeing and I don't want to go now because I just got a note that my rent is going up $80 and I feel trapped and like everything is pulling at me and I have no control. I want to sit and eat as much salad as I can because that's the 'safe' way to binge. I don't have the courage to tell anyone in my AA group I'm not coming-so I don't.

I then proceed to try and back out of my other plans I have that night. A birthday party in Ballard.

It's with my best girl friends at a really awesome place but I don't want to go. I'd rather hide. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm not sure if I'd drink if I went out. It sounds nice. But what happens if I stay home? Do I binge?

And then I think more about going out. I always feel in adequate. My friends are just gorgeous. Always get hit on. Have a cool confidence about them. And I just don't measure up. The thought of me having to be the ugly girl in the group, the odd one out scares the fuck out of me.

So I bail.

But they don't let me.
And I'm glad.

All it took was the two of them saying they understand but they'd like to see me anyway. They challenged Ed. In a way it was saying yes you feel that way but you don't have to keep feeling that way. you don't have to act on those thoughts.

Oh. I though. Oh ok.

And to see that someone cared. Someone actually wanted me around. THat I could be a PART of the gorgeous hilariousness that are my friends was so flattering-how could I say no?

So I changed my outfit too many times. Paid $30 taxi fare and went out.

I was welcomed warmly.

And then as my nerves settled I found myself talking and making people laugh. Engaging in conversation...not feeling on the outside but like I belonged.

THIS this is why I love these girls. Why as jealous of their looks as I am I admire them more. Who they are, how they treat people and how they treat themselves.

We ended up going to a bar bar and it was loud and no fun. My anxiety skyrocketed. I'm not sure why but I couldn't focus or calm my nerves.

My friends drove me home just in time for my bedtime. They went way out of their way to do this and what do I do?

I get home and turn around and go to the grocery store.

I don't know why but I feel I need something.
I get to the store and fill my cart with hate, doubt, insecurity and shame aka cereal and pancake mix.

WTF am I doing? Did my friends just not totally show me the help I've been wanting and what do I do? Throw it all away? I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. You're fucking stupid. You're going to have to tell them the truth and then they'll never want to deal with you again.

But here I am with the pancake mix still in it's box. The cereal was never bought. And I'm blogging. I'm not eating and I'm very much looking forward to my bed.

I'm sleepy. Good night.