I Need Some Help.

Hey guys. I haven't been writing because I was slowly going downhill and then I tripped and went down fast.

I guess it started with skimping on program, making excuses to not show up to things, being afraid to leave the house and believing the best use of my time was to constantly binge and purge. Even at work.

I've lost control of my behaviors once again and see my life falling apart.

I can fake it for a while that I'm ok and that's when I avoid food altogether. Yesterday I thought I was getting on track but then I realized that I was just not eating all day only to come home and give in. Or I'll be normal and social for a couple of hours only to have my mind race about what I can eat next and when I can go back to "that place."

I hate myself for bingeing and I binge because I hate myself.

It's getting incredibly hard to get out of bed in the morning because I just don't give a fuck. It's easier to stay in it and avoid everything. Avoid my thoughts. My urges. My friends. Family. Job. Responsibilities. FUN.

But then when my job is threatened and I really must go and I do get out of bed I see how much my life is affected by bulimia.

I plan things and miss out on them.
I waste so much money on food.
I waste money on not going to things I bought tickets for.
I let people down that I say I'll show up for.
I'm constantly late to everything.

And the shame of being where I'm at now is so bad that it has taken me a month to tell you all the truth.

I'm bingeing at least twice a day and hard. My throat is raw. I'm swollen. I'm tired. And I'm depressed.

I woke up to a text that said "Today is the day of complete recovery! You are made new each day. Praying for a healthy and happy day! You were made for more Kris."

"Made for more" resonated with me and hit a nerve. I am made for more. My life is not about trying to live this double life of self hate and loathing and shame and then being happy go lucky me.

So I've taken initiative to try somethings to get me out of this:

-I'm texting my lead a picture of my desk when I arrive on time every morning
-I'm going to write in this daily
-I'm going to eat a cookie a week (I never let myself have treats unless I throw them up)
-I'm going to check in with people at dinner
-I'm going to go to as many aa and treatment things as I can

I have lost my footing and my hope and my common sense. I don't know what way is up or how to have the energy to climb but I know that when I show some willingness amazing things will happen.

Thanks for your support and for reading.