While I've had a hell of a time with the eating disorder I'm happy to say that by the grace of God I haven't had any alcohol for three months. This is of course after the Sasquatch drinking binge that ended in total embarrassment and shame. But I'm happy that I hit that low so I could feel this high.
And I think that's what I'm doing now with bulimia. (or at least I really hope so). For the first time that I'm aware of it I'm giving myself multiple reasons to NOT over eat and throw up rather than the opposite.
And for the first time EVER I am wondering why is it that I care so much about being thin? What does that even mean? Why does it matter?
I can answer that though. It makes my life 'easier.'
It makes girls jealous of me and like me.
It makes people ask if I'm a model.
It makes people ask what my diet and workout routine is (aka starvation / hell)
I can wear just about anything except for a bra (i get flatter than a fucking pancake when I get skinny).
And it makes people think I'm attractive so therefore they like me and then that's my ultimate goal.
All of this was to not be rejected. To not be hurt.
Because so much of my past from the molestation to the teasing to the bullying was all so painful and excrutiating that I put up my wall against it-controlled the one thing I could-my looks.
I'm off to an AA meeting (in a half hour...I need to do my "natural" make up and find an outfit that says "I don't care" when I totally do. I'm going to be on time for once. And I can't wait to announce I have 90 days.
Loves.
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