Life Is Good. Except When It's Not.

I binged and purged last night until late.
I woke up this morning with the worst "hangover."
I couldn't move or get out of bed until noon.
I missed work-again.
I didn't even try to eat normally when I finally got out of bed.
The sun is shining.
It's a gorgeous day.
And I want to hide.

I want to stay in my room and not face the shame and hate I have for myself.
I think about how I could just get out and go for a walk but that's too scary for me.
It seems impossible to get to treatment today.

I don't want to think about how huge I am and how bad I've let myself go. Or think about what I just ate and how much more weight I'll gain.
But then again I just say fuck it and fuck you Kris. You did this to yourself so just keep going.

I don't want to feel anything. I want to zone out. I want to act like this will go away. Like I can do this just one more day and I'll deal with it tomorrow.

I want to keep acting like I don't have a life to live. Like I can keep putting it on hold. Like I'll wake up fixed tomorrow. That this is all a bad dream. That one day I'll wake up and I'll be someone else.
I don't want to think about how I can only shop at one store because they are the only ones who make clothes big enough for me.

I don't want to think about how pretty my friends are. How wonderful they are. How successful. How I am pathetic in their comparison.

I don't want to be present and in the reality of my depression and the way I'm steering my life.

I don't want to be responsible for my actions.

I don't want to go to treatment and see the girls that can't eat. The girls I'm twice the size of.
The girls who secretly are happy they are not me. That they do not look like me. I was them once.

And honestly I do not want to eat anything ever again. I do not want to throw up. But I do not want to go do anything else.

I feel like I'm living a double life and I'm being crushed by the two. It's so confusing when one second I'm happy and fine and the next I'm choking over the toilet.

Not doing these things seems so scary, so unroutine, and yet when I do not do them it feels so free.
I have these thoughts in my head like rapid fire. You're fat. Do this. Don't do that. Why can't you be better? Why can't you try harder? Why dont' you just stop? You're disgusting.

They feel like me, they are me, but supposedly they are the disorder but it feels so real and like exactly what I think.

I have been in this limbo place for a long time, of knowing what to do, what not to do but doing something else. And I feel like I'm going to break. And I'm scared as to how far down I'll go.

But then again there is so much good in my life. ChaCha. My friends. I'm finding a new place to live with a roomate and maybe even a CAT! I have wonderful jobs. A family who I have a better relationship than ever. I've found a great support system for all my addictions.

Life is good. Except when it's not.