Two Days Down.

I said I'd write in here every day so I'm going to do just that. But as fast as I can because I'm eating dinner.

I didn't binge or purge last night. And I am so thankful for the cycle to be stopped (at least for now).

And now I'm swinging the other way...

I tried all day to eat as little as I could only to give in when my stomach turned and I got light headed.

I just can't do it anymore.

I forced myself to workout after work for fear of what would happen if I didn't.

My mouth is still sore from throwing up and I have cuts where my gum and lips join that hurt really fucking bad and so the final thing that stopped me from bingeing today are the thought of them tearing further.

Also I reminded myself that I told my lead I'd be to work at 7:30 AM and take a picture of my desk every morning to prove it. (She didn't ask me to do this...I volunteered).

Then I thought about the fact that I have to wear jeans to work this weekend...I HATE JEANS...and the thought of putting them on makes me wish I stopped eating a week ago.

Then my mind went to how much it hurts to throw up now.
How hungover I feel the next day.
The rushing regret that comes moments after I'm done.
The shame.
And how I can't stop once I start. There is no such thing as a little or just once with me.

And then my disordered brain finally remembered those of you who've written me encouraging texts and messages especially in the past day.

And I'm going to have to have you all believe and love me until I can see it myself. And you're doing a wonderful job.

Tomorrow I make the decision to go back into Intensive Out Patient. Meaning I'll be going 4 days a week again.

This scares me because of a lack of a social life I'll have, how much time I'll spend commuting, how I'll miss AA meetings...but then when I really am honest with myself I haven't been doing any of those things because I've been getting sick.

Ok I'm going to go skimp on my dinner and watch Mud.

Love you guys.