Just Cried In A Ball On My Floor

Exhaustion.

That's what I feel.
Emotionally.
Physically.

But I want to capture this. I want to share this with you.

It was hard for me to not go to the gym tonight, I still needed to move but I'm getting too obsessed with the gym again so I came home and put on my Sporty Spice outfit (sports bra and yoga pants).

I start trying to gogo dance and realize it's not authentic and I'm just trying too hard.
So I lose the mirror and go into my room.
Dancing for myself by myself.

I start moving into some yoga when I tire.

Then on comes Kaskade's Invisible.

Memories of high school come rushing back.
It's been on the surface as I'm talking about my molestation and need for acceptance in therapy and groups more often.

I see myself. My many faces. I feel my pain, depression, confusion.

I hear the lyrics "every day I try to look my best even when inside I'm such a mess."

I'm no longer in my studio in Seattle. I'm no longer 26. I'm 15. I'm in the halls. I'm seeing the looks, I'm hearing the words that still cut me. The pain is so real and so raw it over comes me.
As I try to go through my moves I succumb to the pain.
I almost collapse into the memory that feels so real.
I have not allowed myself to think about that time since it happened.
It's too much.
I'm curled up on the floor, sweating, crying, shaking.

The song fades and I feel like I will not move from this spot ever. I feel I will be stuck in my high school at 17 and anorexic forever.

My concept of time is gone.

Moments but what feels like hours later Titanium by David Guetta feat Sia comes on.

Goosebumps move from my heart outward.

"You shout it out but I can't hear a word you say."

I always relate that to my ED and everything he says to me.

I'm snapped out of it immediately (so much for my dramatic comment earlier).
I'm at Ultra in Miami two years ago.

I feel the night's humidity, the lights bounce off my skin, the beat moves me.
Moves us--the crowd and I are one.
All of us strangers brought together for one purpose.
Unity.
There's power here.
Power in the universe.

I feel it here in my room. I realize my arms are up and I'm mouthing the words as tears stream down my face, "You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium."

I do power yoga moves until I collapse once again with pure anger.
Anger at this disorder.

"Shooting at the ones who run."

I am so mad at my eating disorder. Preying on my weakness. Relentless. But I am becoming new. I have power in the universe, there is power in me.

The anger and the determination mix and I am clawing at the carpet.
I heave with each trying breath, harder to get out.
There is so much passion here.
Passion within me to live.

It ends.

I rest, waiting to see what my higher power picks for me next.

Moment For Life by Nicki Minaj.

I'm brought back to a post I wrote a couple of years ago.

It was when I first felt the presence of myself. Of my authentic self. When I first felt alive in a long time.

It was the first time in years, YEARS, I wasn't numb. I felt my anger. I felt it strong.

I am taken back to the sunny gym on an innocent Sunday afternoon where I punched the bag until my knuckles bled and my arms couldn't.

I think of that girl and I'm so fucking proud of her.
I look at me now and I see who she's grown into.

And I'm so proud of where she's going.

I wish I could have this moment for life.

PS Yes I took a picture and yes it looks so much more dramatic and cheesy out of the moment but what I just experienced, and what I just wrote about was real and I wanted to try and convey that in more mediums than one. So there I am raw and real.