Not Normal

This is incredibly hard to write about as it feels that is should be shameful.

People don't really share when they do 'not normal' things and I'm constantly doing that here but this 'not normal' thing is not normal even for me.

I had a panicish attack this past Monday slash freak out.

My deep frustration and anger came out during my therapy session with only the slightest push from my therapist.

"What if you try and feel your anger."

Heart pounds
Jaw clenches
Chest heaves
Not here-not now
Leave me be

Emotion strobe lighting
Fast, violent, unrelenting
It claws from within me
My Resistance is caving

Involuntary shaking
I need something to calm me
There's nothing to tame me

Don't let it go
I can't do this
Mustn't lose control
There it goes
Here I go

Fingers find flesh
Grasping, sinking, scraping
Release with every tear
Pain calms me

I see me
I'm not me
Who is that shaking there?

Suddenly my breath finds me
Shuddering in and out
My heart slows
I catch up with myself

What was that?
It mustn't
It can't be
Was that me?

I was told by my therapist about two baby monkeys. One was put in a cage with a loving mother, the other given nothing. The one with the loving mother acted normally. The other slowly became frustrated. It did not know how to show its frustration so it began to pull out its hair, hit itself and act irrationally.

In this case, I am the one without the loving mother, without an outlet.

I'm slowly learning to love myself the way I needed so long ago.
I'm slowly learning how to show my anger the way I needed to so long ago.