Sunday Funday

I had a hard day yesterday and we'll leave it at that.

I woke up today knowing that if I do not turn things around now I will go down a hill that I will have to work extremely hard to climb up.

So I attempted to make a breakfast my boyfriend and I made last weekend that I knew I could eat and keep down. Turns out my impatience means I cannot make an omelet and I just turned it into a scramble. I sauteed mushrooms and tomatoes and begrudgingly added toast. Yogurt on the side.

Then I sat down to eat. I filled two pages in my journal about that meal. How it was too much, then too little, that I am ashamed, that I am anxious, that I am full, that I want more, that this tastes good, no I need ketch up, no no more calories...etc I'm really proud to say I got through it.. And that I took the time to be in touch with what's going on when I eat normally (ie not bingeing or restricting) and it turns out there's a lot. It's really scary to face my fears while it's happening.

I cleaned up and got ready to challenge another ED thing. Walking / facing the world when I'm full usually I just watch Netflix or go back to bed or purge. So after about 20 minutes of making excuses why a 15 minute walk shouldn't happen I popped my headphones in and headed out into the world, still in my jammies I just added a bra into the equation.

And I was instantly ok. I was instantly happy I had chosen to get out of the house. I saw the weekly rummage sale and all that comes with that. As I turned onto the main street by my studio I was surrounded by people, even though they were strangers I felt less alone. I was then pulled to go explore. EDM pumping in my head I saw things like this community garden that I didn't know existed.

And then as I slowly crawled out of whatever head space I was in and became myself I had friends text me and my boyfriend and slowly got the feeling of being me again.

I'm just reminded that whatever it is I'm going through right now isn't easy--and maybe this is the way it will always be. Some days are harder to wake up with a smile on than others but I'm teaching myself that I can pull out of whatever funk I'm in. It takes work but it's possible. I'm starting to turn down the negative voices and turn up my recovery voice.

Happy Sunday kids.