Unemployment Day 2: I'm Crying

So much emotion.

I just picture me being like Ron Burgundy in Anchor Man in his glass case of emotion right now.

I'm crying because it's like information overload and my body is like this is what's happening and it's happening now.

I've had a splendid day. I've had a splendid time since I wrote my blog post actually.

Right after publishing that I went outside and helped my manager in the yard and she boosted me right up. 

It was great to be in the sun and hear her rag on my work and say what a hard worker I am. She even gave me a rose from the garden. 

And then I got a message from a friend that made me feel better.

And then I went to the gym for a short bit and that made me feel better.

Then I danced around in my room like always but this time I filmed it.

As you may have read before I feel my emotions through dance sometimes--particularly anger. And this weekend at the rave I went to I got all of my lasting anger towards work out while well just dancin. The beat was fierce and hard and it reminded me of how they were relentless and pushed and pushed and never let up. And I kid you not when I said "goodbye (insert company)" in my head the speakers cut out on their set and everything was silent.

WHOA.

So anyway I'm thinking about starting up a separate blog that's strictly EDM and PLUR for eating disorders / anxiety / depression / body image etc and posting my video as the starter. But I'm also petrified. The end.

Then I talked to the boyfriend and that was also wonderful.

Today I woke up and kept on truckin. Repeated my positive mantra. Stuck to my meal plan. Wrote out some goals. Applied for a job. Met a friend for lunch. (ordered a sammich even though she ordered a salad (ED was screaming at me) Went shopping for a bit...gym...

Then I got the guts to call up my old employer at another part time job and she wants me back and she wants to see me TOMORROW. Say wha?!

Then seconds later I get another call about a summer promotions gig...not certain I'm hired yet but still...

Then I start to answer emails and follow up on job leads...

I get out old memory cards and go through them to upload their contents to my new laptop and I come across my one from college. All the things I filmed, outtakes and everything.

And I freeze.

I hate my past. I hate who I was. I hate what I did to people. I hate how much I drank. How little I ate. How much I ate. How I dated. How I treated my friends. How I let people treat me. How fucking disordered I was. Every memory and picture is tainted with a memory of my illness.

And as I watched I start tearing myself down. How fat I looked. How stupid I sound on camera...and then I come across this ridiculous picture of me trying to make 'healthy cookies' and burst out laughing and then when I can't laugh anymore I cry.

I feel so sorry for that girl. I was that girl and well part of me is that girl. Not in the sense that I'm still disordered but I never went away and who that girl was made me who I am today. And I am really fucking proud of who I am right now. What I am doing and what I have accomplished. And for one of the first times in my life I do not hate my past. I want to hold the girl in the picture and I want to tell her it's going to be ok.

I see her for her and not what she stands for and her mistakes. Not for her disease. I see me in her and her in me. 

And then another wave of oh my God look at how far I've come hits me.

I never would have thought I would be where I am today.

And that is why I'm crying.