Hi friends.
It's me.
I haven't written in a while because I was being a brat.
I didn't want to.
I was bitter that I have to write to feel my feelings.
To sort shit out.
That it's always a big huge event when I actually feel anything.
I was mad at the world that after a long fucking day at work, 4 hours in treatment and commuting home that I still have to fucking journal to get everything out.
I hate how much effort living life takes.
So I put myself through a rough time trying to fight against journaling, asking for help and living in recovery.
It did not go so well.
I have since put my foot down and said life fucking sucks when I don't do what I know I'm supposed to and started doing what I'm supposed to.
And I fucking hate to admit it but life is a bit easier when I do the work.
When I fight against those thoughts actively. When I reach out hourly. When I eat on my meal plan. When I allow myself a lazy day of Netflix. When I call my boyfriend to tell him I want to eat a cake...
When I do the things that are hard, when I push against everything my disorder is telling me that's when I finally get some relief, but it's getting the energy to do those things that is so hard.
Everything is just hard right now.
But I'm told it won't always be.
So I'm going to do my best to keep being honest with myself, honest to you and keep writing so I don't dig myself into a hole again.
The end.
life on life's terms. boy. i know how it sucks. makes me want to kick a wall. (but then my foot would hurt, and i'd probably be limping, not to mention the freakin' dent in the wall.) which only ticks me off MORE and ARRRRRGHHHH. i spend 10 minutes screaming my bloody head off into my pillow. which helps. a little. and will likely give me a headache oh yes thankssoverymuch. :( but you do it. you journal. you check in. you call someone. paint. sing. walk. dance. whatever you have to do to stay connected. yes. it is hard right now. but i promise you this - it will get easier. it will get better. :)
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