Mute.

I'm losing myself.
I'm in a dark place.
And I'm working so hard to try and get out of this depression that seems to have blanketed me but I feel suffocated.
I'm tired of struggling.
I don't want to give up but I want peace.
The light seems so far away.
The hope.
Recovery.
Where did that bright light go?
Where did I go?
I'm back in the very place that sent me backward.
I thought I had my footing and I've fallen.
I'm on my knees.
I feel the gravel under my palms.
On my knee caps.
My head hangs low.
Breathing in and out.
The weight is too heavy to lift my head.
Every time I try to ask for help the words sound shallow, soft, stupid.
I swallow them.
I drink them down.
I sink lower.
Who am I?
Where do I go from here?
How do I get up?
I feel so alone.
Such a burden.
My thoughts swirl.
I see everyone in their lives.
Their world.
What I am who I am is so small.
Burden.
Just stay quiet.
Shame.
So much shame.
I'm ashamed to post this.
I'm so grateful I have this outlet but it's so cowardly.
I keep calling people and deleting voice mails.
I type texts and delete them.
I speak words and change the subject.
Those closest to me barely know.
It's taking everything in me to not delete what I'm writing now.
I cannot explain what this suffocating feeling is.
Like it's physically dragging me down.
Gagging me.
Stealing my words.
My breath.
Where did I go?