Unemployment Day 1: Tougher Than I Thought

I'm so tired my eyes are watering.
I even took a nap today.
I feel fat and lazy.
I feel less than.
I feel messy and unorganized.
I feel lame.

I do not like myself right now and I have an insane amount of tension going on in my body--it's anger.

It's anger about being unemployed and it not being easy.

Yes one thing at a time but what the fuck is the first thing?

Don't come at me with file for unemployment. Yes I did that. And I've been doing things all day and I feel like I have accomplished nothing.

I feel so out of control.

I hate this.

And to all of you sweet humans asking me how my day is I really appreciate it but I keep getting so mad. I get mad because it reminds me of how insignificant I feel and stupid. How I have a huge fucking list of all this shit I need to do and somehow I didn't do any of it today and yet I haven't stopped doing all day.

And I feel like a piece of shit because I've received nothing but support from everyone since I was 'let go' / left work and this is how I am? THIS is what I am like?

Fucking worthless. I didn't even know my mood was this horrible until I started writing. I was avoiding it.

I have thought about bingeing and how it would be nice to eat some Cheetos and donuts and maybe mac n cheese and pizza, and then I thought about how little fucks I give about myself and what  a piece I am and how I don't care that it's not recovery focused and I don't care that it will hurt--I want it to hurt.

And then I read the mantra I picked out for myself this morning. Courtesy of pintrest and inspirationalfeed

And well today I made the best of what I had. I actually had a dentist appointment at 7 am so I was up at the crack of dawn. I ate a normal breakfast. And really just started trying to put pieces of my life together and I cannot even tell you specifically what that is but it was me working and doing the best I could and I wish I could give myself more fucking credit.

Then I went back to bed as I can do that. I woke up to my neighbors right outside my window. Annoying.

Walked to Volunteer Park while I talked to my boyfriend.

And then after I hung up I took the time to let myself enjoy this:

And now that I have re inspired myself and you all have listened (thank you) I am going to get out of bed and go to the gym because while I know I need to get a new job I cannot constantly force myself to do that 24/7.

This unemployment thing is happening at this time in my life and recovery for a reason and I intend to take advantage of it on multiple aspects / levels. I just have to constantly remind myself that I will always have time to do the things I want to instead of beating myself up for what I haven't done.

And at the end of this my landlord calls me and asks me to help in the yard...and the next right step is clearly indicated for me.

Also, if you have any jobs for me. Holler. Thanks.