I Got Let Go From My Job At Lunch.

I just finished my taco salad and was about to get back to cold calling--my new least favorite thing--when I catch eyes with my manager.

I knew what was about to happen. She didn't even need to call me into her office and do the formalities. I knew I was being let go.

It feels like ages ago when I took the scary step to leave the hell hole that was zulily. To chose my recovery over a job. I felt so scared and yet so empowered.

The months that followed were full of me killing it in informational interviews, sucking up to recruiters and then came the weekly in-person interviews--maybe a couple second interviews.

I was as fresh as a spring chicken. I had just said a big ol fuck you to the company that dragged me down for years and I knew I had so much to offer. I had passion, I am a killer writer, I am on tv, I model, I am a kick ass promo ambassador and I wanted to work--enough of this unemployment crap.

I wanted to be apart of something. I wanted to share my ideas. Improve the place I worked while improving who I was. I wanted to grow and learn.

This began to dwindle with the constant no's and hearing about my "lack of experience" with writing jobs. So I took at shot at sales--and the company I just left took a shot on me.

The first day was like being in junior high. I was clearly at a disadvantage and way out of my element. I was drowning in information, overwhelmed with the material and incredibly insecure. I lost sight of who I was and all the work I had put into my recovery and my values. It seems as though the new me could not exist here.

I compared myself. I belittled myself. I stressed myself the fuck out. And on top of that the people I was talking on the phone with did too. Hang ups, no's, and other relentless negativity was not good for who I was trying to become.

I have to give it up to people in sales that can pull it off--you've got to have some thick skin and be incredibly competitive. Two things that I don't have and am totally ok with.

I have a ping of shame that I really did my best and it still didn't work out. Reading inspiring quotes every morning. Calling my boyfriend crying on breaks. Listening to my favorite music on my lunches. Revamping up every day, every hour trying to do the best I could.

Knowing that everyone is there now and sees my empty desk. Knowing I didn't make it. I don't know what they'll say but I guess it doesn't really matter.

I am really proud that I tried this. I have never done anything like this and I didn't have the support of my treatment team at all during it--and well I still don't. I did give it my all and while it's shameful to me that my all wasn't enough--I know that if I gave up I'd be even more mad at myself.

The part that scares me shitless though is that I have no idea what to do now.

I have no income and I feel I have nothing to offer. I have no direction or idea as to what I want to do or what I am even qualified to do.

It became clear to me that I have no writing experience from being put in a box for three years at zulily. There seem to be no copywriting jobs out there that I do qualify for. And now after working my ass off for a month I can't put sales on my resume.

I don't even know what positions to start looking for, what to even say if someone asked me why me, I feel very empty, insignificant and helpless.

I don't know what the next step is for me or what I'm meant to do.

I know this isn't the first time I've written about this but before I had hope and now that's really dwindled.

This is when my faith in my higher power is tested and when I really have to take it hour by hour and look for omens.

I will keep my eyes and my heart open and my mouth shut--I think I've heard that's the best way to listen.

Blind to the Beauty

I'm beyond frustrated with myself.

I am so tired of being stressed, of always having something wrong, of never being able to just enjoy life. I mean I have worked so hard to get where I am and it's not good enough.

There is always something(s) I have not done, something bearing over me, pressing on me that's wedging me between reality and my mind.

I feel like every post, every conversation, every ounce of me focuses on and works so hard to find the good, be positive, to be better and I'm so tired of having to work. When does it become easier? When does it become natural? When do I get to just wake up and appreciate who I am, all the work I've done?

If it was possible I would throw myself up against a wall. I would shake myself until I finally got it out of my system. That is how much violent anger and frustration is in me. 

IT being...I don't even know...this overpowering urge to just rip myself a part. Nothing is ever good enough, there is always something to do, to put in a list, to improve, to make an excuse for...I cannot just BE.

I'm frustrated to tears right now because I see how I want my life to be and it takes so much fucking work to appreciate who I am and those moments of clarity take so much effort it's exhausting. And I just want to give up. But I don't. But I do.

I just want to give myself credit for all the fucking work I've done. The work it takes to make and eat breakfast everyday, the effort it takes to go on my morning walks, to wear jeans, to quit my fucking job, to overcome addiction, sexual abuse. I want to see the beauty everyone sees.

Oh now I'm crying.
Because I believe you guys. I believe I am beautiful. I believe I have a big heart. I believe I'm generous. And funny. And kind. And honest. And a good writer. And I believe I have a light about me but I cannot see it. 

I live in the dark and I so badly want out but I don't know how.

I'm in a constant battle with my mind. I've got to text this person about plans, oh apply for that job, oh who was that reference?, call food stamps, write down a list of shit to do while I'm on hold, oh ya I wanted to try that recipe, oh fuck when is my dietitian appointment?, didn't that girl say I lost weight?, crap what did I do with that fax?, I should text my boyfriend how much I love him, shit did I just hang up on that call?

I'm constantly going and doing and I feel like I'm getting nothing done.

I'm unemployed and I'm still as stressed out and busy as if I wasn't.

I cannot shake the nagging feeling that I have something to do, that I'm not ok, or stable or safe.

I am tired of having a hard time. I am tired of complaining (but then again I can't keep this in). I am tired of not enjoying my life but I don't know how to let go, how to live, how to not just rip myself a part for who I'm not and what I don't have and what I haven't done.

Because doing all of those things, making lists, checking them off, being busy, perusing these things is supposed to help make things easier and it hasn't fucking happened.

I lessened treatment, I quit that hell hole and I am still stressed, anxious and fucking moody as all hell.

I just want peace.
I'm not giving up but I just have felt this weight, carried this weight of being me for so long and it seems to be getting heavier and I don't know when I'm going to break and I don't know how much more I can take.

I'm just living on that blind faith like everyone says it will get better, I deserve better. I just wish better would come soon.

My attempt at an omelet.

Max licking me while I'm trying to stretch.

Rainier Cherries

Rich part of town

They don't know this yet but I'm going to live there one day.

Pride :)

Unemployment Day 2: I'm Crying

So much emotion.

I just picture me being like Ron Burgundy in Anchor Man in his glass case of emotion right now.

I'm crying because it's like information overload and my body is like this is what's happening and it's happening now.

I've had a splendid day. I've had a splendid time since I wrote my blog post actually.

Right after publishing that I went outside and helped my manager in the yard and she boosted me right up. 

It was great to be in the sun and hear her rag on my work and say what a hard worker I am. She even gave me a rose from the garden. 

And then I got a message from a friend that made me feel better.

And then I went to the gym for a short bit and that made me feel better.

Then I danced around in my room like always but this time I filmed it.

As you may have read before I feel my emotions through dance sometimes--particularly anger. And this weekend at the rave I went to I got all of my lasting anger towards work out while well just dancin. The beat was fierce and hard and it reminded me of how they were relentless and pushed and pushed and never let up. And I kid you not when I said "goodbye (insert company)" in my head the speakers cut out on their set and everything was silent.

WHOA.

So anyway I'm thinking about starting up a separate blog that's strictly EDM and PLUR for eating disorders / anxiety / depression / body image etc and posting my video as the starter. But I'm also petrified. The end.

Then I talked to the boyfriend and that was also wonderful.

Today I woke up and kept on truckin. Repeated my positive mantra. Stuck to my meal plan. Wrote out some goals. Applied for a job. Met a friend for lunch. (ordered a sammich even though she ordered a salad (ED was screaming at me) Went shopping for a bit...gym...

Then I got the guts to call up my old employer at another part time job and she wants me back and she wants to see me TOMORROW. Say wha?!

Then seconds later I get another call about a summer promotions gig...not certain I'm hired yet but still...

Then I start to answer emails and follow up on job leads...

I get out old memory cards and go through them to upload their contents to my new laptop and I come across my one from college. All the things I filmed, outtakes and everything.

And I freeze.

I hate my past. I hate who I was. I hate what I did to people. I hate how much I drank. How little I ate. How much I ate. How I dated. How I treated my friends. How I let people treat me. How fucking disordered I was. Every memory and picture is tainted with a memory of my illness.

And as I watched I start tearing myself down. How fat I looked. How stupid I sound on camera...and then I come across this ridiculous picture of me trying to make 'healthy cookies' and burst out laughing and then when I can't laugh anymore I cry.

I feel so sorry for that girl. I was that girl and well part of me is that girl. Not in the sense that I'm still disordered but I never went away and who that girl was made me who I am today. And I am really fucking proud of who I am right now. What I am doing and what I have accomplished. And for one of the first times in my life I do not hate my past. I want to hold the girl in the picture and I want to tell her it's going to be ok.

I see her for her and not what she stands for and her mistakes. Not for her disease. I see me in her and her in me. 

And then another wave of oh my God look at how far I've come hits me.

I never would have thought I would be where I am today.

And that is why I'm crying.

Unemployment Day 1: Tougher Than I Thought

I'm so tired my eyes are watering.
I even took a nap today.
I feel fat and lazy.
I feel less than.
I feel messy and unorganized.
I feel lame.

I do not like myself right now and I have an insane amount of tension going on in my body--it's anger.

It's anger about being unemployed and it not being easy.

Yes one thing at a time but what the fuck is the first thing?

Don't come at me with file for unemployment. Yes I did that. And I've been doing things all day and I feel like I have accomplished nothing.

I feel so out of control.

I hate this.

And to all of you sweet humans asking me how my day is I really appreciate it but I keep getting so mad. I get mad because it reminds me of how insignificant I feel and stupid. How I have a huge fucking list of all this shit I need to do and somehow I didn't do any of it today and yet I haven't stopped doing all day.

And I feel like a piece of shit because I've received nothing but support from everyone since I was 'let go' / left work and this is how I am? THIS is what I am like?

Fucking worthless. I didn't even know my mood was this horrible until I started writing. I was avoiding it.

I have thought about bingeing and how it would be nice to eat some Cheetos and donuts and maybe mac n cheese and pizza, and then I thought about how little fucks I give about myself and what  a piece I am and how I don't care that it's not recovery focused and I don't care that it will hurt--I want it to hurt.

And then I read the mantra I picked out for myself this morning. Courtesy of pintrest and inspirationalfeed

And well today I made the best of what I had. I actually had a dentist appointment at 7 am so I was up at the crack of dawn. I ate a normal breakfast. And really just started trying to put pieces of my life together and I cannot even tell you specifically what that is but it was me working and doing the best I could and I wish I could give myself more fucking credit.

Then I went back to bed as I can do that. I woke up to my neighbors right outside my window. Annoying.

Walked to Volunteer Park while I talked to my boyfriend.

And then after I hung up I took the time to let myself enjoy this:

And now that I have re inspired myself and you all have listened (thank you) I am going to get out of bed and go to the gym because while I know I need to get a new job I cannot constantly force myself to do that 24/7.

This unemployment thing is happening at this time in my life and recovery for a reason and I intend to take advantage of it on multiple aspects / levels. I just have to constantly remind myself that I will always have time to do the things I want to instead of beating myself up for what I haven't done.

And at the end of this my landlord calls me and asks me to help in the yard...and the next right step is clearly indicated for me.

Also, if you have any jobs for me. Holler. Thanks.