I Got Let Go From My Job At Lunch.

I just finished my taco salad and was about to get back to cold calling--my new least favorite thing--when I catch eyes with my manager.

I knew what was about to happen. She didn't even need to call me into her office and do the formalities. I knew I was being let go.

It feels like ages ago when I took the scary step to leave the hell hole that was zulily. To chose my recovery over a job. I felt so scared and yet so empowered.

The months that followed were full of me killing it in informational interviews, sucking up to recruiters and then came the weekly in-person interviews--maybe a couple second interviews.

I was as fresh as a spring chicken. I had just said a big ol fuck you to the company that dragged me down for years and I knew I had so much to offer. I had passion, I am a killer writer, I am on tv, I model, I am a kick ass promo ambassador and I wanted to work--enough of this unemployment crap.

I wanted to be apart of something. I wanted to share my ideas. Improve the place I worked while improving who I was. I wanted to grow and learn.

This began to dwindle with the constant no's and hearing about my "lack of experience" with writing jobs. So I took at shot at sales--and the company I just left took a shot on me.

The first day was like being in junior high. I was clearly at a disadvantage and way out of my element. I was drowning in information, overwhelmed with the material and incredibly insecure. I lost sight of who I was and all the work I had put into my recovery and my values. It seems as though the new me could not exist here.

I compared myself. I belittled myself. I stressed myself the fuck out. And on top of that the people I was talking on the phone with did too. Hang ups, no's, and other relentless negativity was not good for who I was trying to become.

I have to give it up to people in sales that can pull it off--you've got to have some thick skin and be incredibly competitive. Two things that I don't have and am totally ok with.

I have a ping of shame that I really did my best and it still didn't work out. Reading inspiring quotes every morning. Calling my boyfriend crying on breaks. Listening to my favorite music on my lunches. Revamping up every day, every hour trying to do the best I could.

Knowing that everyone is there now and sees my empty desk. Knowing I didn't make it. I don't know what they'll say but I guess it doesn't really matter.

I am really proud that I tried this. I have never done anything like this and I didn't have the support of my treatment team at all during it--and well I still don't. I did give it my all and while it's shameful to me that my all wasn't enough--I know that if I gave up I'd be even more mad at myself.

The part that scares me shitless though is that I have no idea what to do now.

I have no income and I feel I have nothing to offer. I have no direction or idea as to what I want to do or what I am even qualified to do.

It became clear to me that I have no writing experience from being put in a box for three years at zulily. There seem to be no copywriting jobs out there that I do qualify for. And now after working my ass off for a month I can't put sales on my resume.

I don't even know what positions to start looking for, what to even say if someone asked me why me, I feel very empty, insignificant and helpless.

I don't know what the next step is for me or what I'm meant to do.

I know this isn't the first time I've written about this but before I had hope and now that's really dwindled.

This is when my faith in my higher power is tested and when I really have to take it hour by hour and look for omens.

I will keep my eyes and my heart open and my mouth shut--I think I've heard that's the best way to listen.

WAH It's Not Fair.

So I'm about to eat this de-lic-ious salad I made for myself for dinner that's totally on my meal plan and not skimping on anything when I get this sudden urge to check my email and see if I got an answer from this place I interviewed at.

It's the first and only place I've interviewed at since starting a small half-assed job hunt but it was AWESOME. Totally lax all about work hard play hard but go home at quitting time. And it was TWO blocks from my house.

I asked my lead to be a reference for it and she said she would which was awesome.

Next thing I know I'm asked to interview and I tell my lead I'm going to go in for one. That's when she tells me they've been talking to her about a job there too.

"Oh."

My head went a million places and my heart dropped. Well she works super hard and deserves another job so let me swallow my jealously and wish her the best-which I did.

Then two days later I'm off to my interview and she tells me she's already interviewed and gotten the job.

Fuck.

Seriously?

Jealousy rears its head. I start to shake. My heart drops again and my head races.

Wait. If she got one doesn't that mean I have an in then?

I went off to the interview feeling good. I thought I killed it and came back feeling great. Work was easier to go to thinking it wouldn't be that much longer.

But then the week went on and I didn't hear from anyone. And while I'm planning my lead's going away party and buying her goodies in the back of my head I am so spiteful.

I don't want to be. But I am human. And well no I'm not just spiteful. I'm pissed.

I found that company. I got her that in and does she thank me? No. Does she tell me she went for an interview? No.

Fuck that.

Now I just read the dreaded email saying I didn't have enough experience and I'm no longer being considered. My heart hurts. I feel sick to my stomach. And I want to take it out on my lead.

Which makes NO sense at all.

She deserves the job she got, she's a great lead and what was she supposed to do say no?

But I have this anger and I don't know where to place it. I'm frustrated that I can't get another job because I've only had one real big girl job but I'm not happy where I am.

It's like saying to your kid in order to get a car you've got to get a job, but in order to get to said job you've got to have a car.

Fuck man.

People at work drop like flies. I just planned a going away bash for 4 people. And I can't get a job?

RAWR.

I hear people tell me that they love their jobs. It just kind of fell into their laps. They went to school for this and are now doing this...blah blah good for fucking you.

Yikes. Ok this is not good. But what to do what to do...

Positivity.

I have a job.
I can always go in my job (not like new positions but strengthen my writing).
Where I work always listens to new ideas...so it's time to get innovative.
God has his plan and if this wasn't it that just means there's something greater out there for me.

Ok now I don't feel sick anymore. Dinner time.