I'm Enough.

Hollow.
Chills.
Bend over to protect myself.
Protect what.
Actual heart ache.
Every movement slower.
Breath shallow.
Trying to not make a wrong move.
No energy anyway.
Like ice on a bare chest.
Alive.
Anxiety.
Heart race.
Can't breathe.
I don't want to.
Numb the feeling.
Please just let me be.
Exhaustion.

I'm trying things again with my boyfriend but there's a lot of hurt.
I keep trying to find signs that say what I should do.
Actually what he will do.
I hate that my existence weighs on his every word.
Will I be happy that day or sad or mean to people.
Will I have energy to workout ? To be sarcastic? To be myself (who only seems to come out when he and I are ok)?

I can't seem to shake the hollow, alone, empty feeling that is left in me without him here.
He makes me whole.
And that's romantic and all that but that's a real fucking problem.

I'm working towards values and appreciating myself everyday and writing down what I like, to try and find me inside of me but it's lonely in here.
A dark, empty space, never ending.

I want to feel ok. I want my comfort back. I want what we had. Easy. Trust. Love.
It's gone and I'm left with pathetic memories and remember whens.
I'm holding all the pieces in my hands and forcing, coaxing, praying them together.
It doesn't seem to want to fit.

I can't give up.
I don't want to give up.
It can't be the end just like that.
With just a mistake--but it's not a mistake it is real and it fucking happened and shit changed.

I feel so demoralized and helpless.

I cannot do anything but keep working on myself and to fill this hollow space myself. And even as I type that I don't want to accept it and that's ok in this space I am not able to. And hope he comes back to me. And that is so scary to let go like that.

I wish I could just wake up out of this.
But that sounds like a bunch of bull shit.
Wishing never did anything for me.
I've got to do some serious work.
And I am doing that.
I know I'm capable of it.
After all the shit I've been through.
Come on now girl.
This feeling will pass, I'm feeling stronger with each word.
The only person who can get me through this is me.
And I'm enough.