I Fucked Up. Plus Some Other Stuff.

I want to talk about doing things for the right reasons and values. And good shit like that.

I am going to write a little revision to my last post not because I want him to like me, or to stop people from having ill feelings towards him (because honestly he is wonderful and has made me happier than anyone I've ever been with) but because I truly feel that what I wrote yesterday didn't align with my values.

Which are:
acceptance
authenticity
respect
balance
connection
gratitude

I have written like 23 versions of this because I'm fighting between wanting to please my ex and have sensational readings and make myself sound cool (like I ever actually do that). So I'm finally fucking doing it. I'm just going to write with my authentic, self-respecting self:

Yesterday I meant what I was writing.
I was hurt and I was lonely and I was confused.
But I let my impulsiveness take over.
I wanted to hurt back, I didn't see it in that way at the time, but I do now.
I didn't even think beyond myself and that my ex has friends that could read this too.
Yesterday's post was just a piece of what we are going through.
I've made some very big mistakes as you can read in my previous posts and my ex was reacting to my actions in a way that I think most people would.
I feel terrible about losing my balance of authenticity and respect and acceptance but I'm learning.
I am learning to have boundaries as a form of learning to respect myself and others.
((that's a lot of learning))
And writing this is one way I feel I can build that up for myself and for my relationship however that ends up looking.

I think it takes guts to admit you made a mistake but it takes real courage to change your ways and that's really what I'm trying to do--or well doing.

I have been unsettled with how I can't seem to stand on my own two feet after all of this back and forth in my relationship.

How do you be independent while being in a relationship? I do not fucking know.
So I read an article.

And here's the highlights:

• Find hobbies and what makes you happy separate from the relationship and do them.
• Be able to say "no" when you authentically do not  want to do something without inflicting hurt feelings or guilt.
• There is no need to pour your heart out to them all of the time.
• Space is great. If you go a day without talking, texting, Skyping, seeing them that's ok. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
• Your needs, approval and feelings come before theirs. (mind blown)
• Try to figure out your dreams and when you do strive for them, put them before the relationship. You honey bunny will follow suit if they are truly for you.
• Be yourself and love yourself for it, let them be them and love em for it.

This actually perfectly aligns with my values:

• Acceptance: who I am, who he is, where I'm at (in any given situation, feeling etc)
• Authenticity: listen to my heart, my dreams, be true to myself
• Balance: he time, me time, we time
• Connection: with myself and take that extra second to really see what's going on within me
• Respect: my feelings, my needs, wants and stand up for myself (because in my head I really don't do that)
• Gratitude: for who I am and who I'm becoming

Ready, set--LIFE CHANGE!