I Fucking Hate Love Songs.

Now that I'm single and going through what I can dramatically yet honestly call heartbreak -- I fucking hate love songs.

And yes it's because they remind me of what I thought I had, and what I thought was true (still working on how to work that out -- it looks something like radical acceptance, grieving, and a stark change in perspective).

But it's also because all they talk about is being reliant on the other person. NOT HEALTHY (said in Gru's voice from Despicable Me--watched that too many times lately--no, there's no such thing). Like I can't live without you. Fucking romanticizing codependency.

No, no, no.

And as I go through some of my playlists now I'm doing a major overhaul because sadly but not surprisingly most of the songs that used to make me happy make me sick. They remind me of my twisted, distorted view that I was supposed to throw myself into love and my relationship to be happy. My existence revolved around my other half, my Mr., my man.

GAH NO.

I can't say it enough. Seeing what happened to me when he left my life--how depressed, and seemingly incapable I was freaks me the fuck out. That just one person had such a hold on me. That I thought I was being a great girlfriend by being so dedicated (well yes loyalty and commitment is important) but just that I threw myself into the relationship with such abandon that I abandoned myself.

I mean it makes sense. I came here in early recovery, no friends, no car, no stability but him. So I can't blame myself but I can learn from, er--myself.

They always say you can't love anyone else until you love yourself. And that is so true. I couldn't find peace within me, I couldn't give myself grace, I couldn't give myself credit--I NEEDED him (and others) to tell me all of these things.

And now I'm learning how to do that. I think I bitched about not seeing how this was a good thing a while back, but now...I see the light ha no but really it's fucking great. Like I talked about before. I'm finally learning how to take care of myself emotionally and well physically (since we're on that subject--yay for eating) which I never learned before.

By doing the following:

-positive self talk (it feels really fake and stupid sometimes but my goodness it makes my days easier)
-learning how to ground when I start to spin in anxiety
-asking myself what I need (am I scared? how do I comfort that? am I lonely? let's call someone)
-distraction (not avoidance)
-and that's about it for now

I'm not sure if my posts are getting repetitive. I just have never seen life in this way and I am so damn excited about it (scared, scared should be put in there too). I've been posting a shitton of selfies and I'm proud of me statuses because I've never given myself credit for my looks or my efforts before and I'm in the honeymoon? stages of all these beautiful realizations. And also you folks are pretty damn nice and boost my spirits (hey I'm not that self-sufficient yet).

So while being so intertwined with someone you can't live without them (Twilight?) sounds romantic and what most of the media seems to tell us is what we should be searching for, the idea of being independent, confident and reliant on no one but myself is so sexy to me. Powerful.

So screw you Disney (but seriously I love your work---I just think it's fucked), and love songs, and Twilight. I'm out to be my own Prince Charming.

I Fucked Up. Plus Some Other Stuff.

I want to talk about doing things for the right reasons and values. And good shit like that.

I am going to write a little revision to my last post not because I want him to like me, or to stop people from having ill feelings towards him (because honestly he is wonderful and has made me happier than anyone I've ever been with) but because I truly feel that what I wrote yesterday didn't align with my values.

Which are:
acceptance
authenticity
respect
balance
connection
gratitude

I have written like 23 versions of this because I'm fighting between wanting to please my ex and have sensational readings and make myself sound cool (like I ever actually do that). So I'm finally fucking doing it. I'm just going to write with my authentic, self-respecting self:

Yesterday I meant what I was writing.
I was hurt and I was lonely and I was confused.
But I let my impulsiveness take over.
I wanted to hurt back, I didn't see it in that way at the time, but I do now.
I didn't even think beyond myself and that my ex has friends that could read this too.
Yesterday's post was just a piece of what we are going through.
I've made some very big mistakes as you can read in my previous posts and my ex was reacting to my actions in a way that I think most people would.
I feel terrible about losing my balance of authenticity and respect and acceptance but I'm learning.
I am learning to have boundaries as a form of learning to respect myself and others.
((that's a lot of learning))
And writing this is one way I feel I can build that up for myself and for my relationship however that ends up looking.

I think it takes guts to admit you made a mistake but it takes real courage to change your ways and that's really what I'm trying to do--or well doing.

I have been unsettled with how I can't seem to stand on my own two feet after all of this back and forth in my relationship.

How do you be independent while being in a relationship? I do not fucking know.
So I read an article.

And here's the highlights:

• Find hobbies and what makes you happy separate from the relationship and do them.
• Be able to say "no" when you authentically do not  want to do something without inflicting hurt feelings or guilt.
• There is no need to pour your heart out to them all of the time.
• Space is great. If you go a day without talking, texting, Skyping, seeing them that's ok. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
• Your needs, approval and feelings come before theirs. (mind blown)
• Try to figure out your dreams and when you do strive for them, put them before the relationship. You honey bunny will follow suit if they are truly for you.
• Be yourself and love yourself for it, let them be them and love em for it.

This actually perfectly aligns with my values:

• Acceptance: who I am, who he is, where I'm at (in any given situation, feeling etc)
• Authenticity: listen to my heart, my dreams, be true to myself
• Balance: he time, me time, we time
• Connection: with myself and take that extra second to really see what's going on within me
• Respect: my feelings, my needs, wants and stand up for myself (because in my head I really don't do that)
• Gratitude: for who I am and who I'm becoming

Ready, set--LIFE CHANGE!