Snotty Yoga.

I am so tired so I may use the wrong there and half of you honestly probably wouldn't notice but that's my disclaimer.

I write best when I'm in the shit so I want to get this out now.
In this case 'the shit' means my emotions.
Which are not shit mind you.

Listening to Florence The Machine - Shake It Out which I'm sure all of you know but play it if you want the full effect.

So I'm going through a major--I don't even know what you'd call it--of myself. I'm looking at me. The way I live, the choices I make, how I act, my values and I'm trying to figure which way is up and left from right all while going through the biggest breakup I've ever had. And I'm unemployed. I'm just a mess--or am I where I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be?

I pulled out one of my seemingly hundreds of journals after pissing off a friend and just wrote. Free flowing just my paper and my pen but mostly I just like to think of it being just me.

"I feel sad. The fear of returning to who I was is real. The anxiety works against me. It's all so overwhelming. All of this does. This life is too much. It's always been too much. No wonder I numb. No wonder I get confused and mixed up and frustrated. I'm working so hard to figure me out that I'm losing myself.

And I'm tired and lonely and listening to sad fucking music (this was before Florence came on). All of this, this life is the hardest thing. Fighting against myself. I feel a fleeting feeling. I'm losing the calm I've had these past days. The sad slow calm. Desperate. I need it back. Don't leave. I'll do anything. Force. Will. Think. Do. Come back. Peace. I want peace. I see myself doing and thinking and anxious and I feel like if I could do different I would This is the spiral. I'm spiraling. The hopeless. The confusion.

But if I want something different I have to do something different.

Enter Florence.

I'm just not sure what that is. Trying to remember coping skills. Something to numb in a healthy way.

No feel. Feel. Just feel it.

*Pause for yoga attempt while crying so much snot to head* And I feel it I feel the pain and the sadness and the loneliness and it doesn't kill me. And suddenly I can breathe again. And each movement gets easier and the music somehow gets clearer. And my heart gets lighter.

I finish and I write...

This peace I'm constantly seeking isn't not having emotions it's having peace with having emotions.

And then I get so excited and want to tell you guys and I do.

Gratitude list:

1. I ate the 'scary' sandwich at the M's game
2. I just fucking did that shit that I just did.
3. I did so much laundry today
4. I am not quitting.
5. Watching my impulsiveness
6. My friends. Oh my goodness they are so amazing.