Numb : My Remix

Yes, I'm talking about Linkin Park's song...but I like this version better.

After writing my blog post the other day I had an enormous response from you all that support me. It started to make my recovery voice louder than my Ed voice. While I'm not great, I'm most certainly not where I was. I really was scared that I was going back into that hell.

I came across this remix of Numb and became obsessed, comforted and inspired all in a moment.

So here's my take on it. Maybe it'll help you understand why I'm crazy and why recovery is so hard.

"Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Skinny, perfect
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

There's no hope here with you

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Expectations get higher and higher
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Remembering my glory days of Ed, when I was thin and "everyone liked me" "everyone thought I was hot" "everything was great"
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

Every time I do something recovery focused there's Ed telling me that I'm doing it wrong. I can't eat breakfast, I can't buy bigger sizes, I can't think that I look pretty…there's always a rebuttal 
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

I follow Ed's commands—"you" here is me, the real me
Become so tired, so much more aware

This represents me in recovery, I'm sick of being sick and I am aware of my disorder
I'm becoming this, all I want to do

'this' means Ed again
Is be more like me and be less like you
Pretty self explainatory. I want to be me, whoever that is and less like the girl I have been for 11 years

Can't you see that you're smothering me,

Every action every choice Ed is there. He doesn't let me breathe without his permission
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?

Every time I get closer to recovery he snaps me back, because he is afraid of losing control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.

My weight has gone up, I've started to be an independent thinker and challenging his ways and he's becoming meaner and more harsh because he can see me walking away from him
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.

Every step in recovery I make never comes easy, it's always with regret remorse and a takes a lot of reasoning.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take.
This can go two ways, every second I waste not working out is a wasted moment

OR
Every second I spend in this disease is a waste of my life

And I know
I may end up failing too.
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.
This last part means a lot to me because it reminds me that even when I was in my "glory days" it was never good enough and the same Ed that's talking now was talking to that glorified sick Kris telling her he's disappointed in me.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be