When I stay at home and in bed

It's easier to stay at home and in bed because then I don't have to go through the torture of getting ready in the morning. From under my covers I'm not faced with the relentless not good enough comments. I don't come across yet another outfit I'm too fat for. I put on the shame for my looks easier than I can a pair of shorts.

When I stay at home and in bed I don't have to face people. I don't have to catch their looks, glances, judgements. I don't have to wonder if I'm being checked out by the guys headed south on my bus. I don't have to fear how fat I'll feel when I sit down. I don't have to play mind games and wonder what everyone is thinking. "Are they making fun of me?  I look like I'm trying too hard. I don't look good enough. I should've stayed home."

When I stay at home and in bed I don't have to try to interact with people at work. I don't have to go through wondering if I'm good enough. "What does my manager really think of me? Why don't those co workers talk to me?"  I don't have to get so nervous that I literally can't talk. I don't get so anxious that I avoid walking past people that might talk to me. I don't have to fight the urge to eat the donuts someone brought in. I don't have to make myself to go on walks and debate if I should workout on my lunch break. I don't have to persuade myself to not eat my breakfast lunch and snack all I'm one sitting...hating myself the rest of the day.

When I stay at home and in bed I don't have to go to treatment and try to figure out the right thing to say to cure me.  I don't have to confess all my sins and weird habits. I don't have to think about how much this hurts, how entrapped I am. I don't have to see the skeleton 13 year old girls and have a sick jealousy toward them.

When I stay at home and in bed I don't have to make myself to go to the gym and exercise til it hurts.  I don't have to see the girls that are better looking than me and wonder how they do it and ask myself why can't I do that? What's wrong with me? I don't have to plan out what not to eat later and regret  what I ate earlier.

When I stay home and in bed I don't have to lie to ChaCha about how I'm doing. I don't have to worry about being a burden. I don't have to worry about getting tiring and annoying.

When I stay home and in bed I don't have to deal with Ed.

I don't have to answer to him. I don't have to be trapped in my own head. I don't have to go through the pain, anxiousness and confusion that is my life. 

It's easier if I stay at home and in bed.