Update

I keep meaning to write but then I don't want to.
So I'm forcing myself to do it now.
It's like getting me to leave the house instead of isolate and eat all day...once I do it I'm happy it's just hard getting me to do it.

So...I've been following the Boston bombings (like the rest of you all) and am so fucking happy to hear they caught that fucker. It doesn't bring lives back though.

Today has been a hard day.

This morning I stayed at home until 11 (compare that to a 7 AM usual start) doing errand type things.

1. Quit my job at Bonneville Seattle where I did promotions for ESPN and 97.3 KIRO FM. It was great and I learned a lot but I just could never work and when I did I was always exhausted the next week. Plus, well, it didn't pay well. It was more for the experiences and people than anything.
2. I have been looking for a new job and found one! Yay! BUT they don't offer insurance at first. Insurance=my life. I need it to continue treatment. I looked into Cobra but they couldn't help me since I don't have 24 months of almost consecutive coverage. And that's thanks to those fuckers who stopped my coverage when I graduated college. So I was just fucking pissed all morning that something I wanted, deserved and needed was taken from me. And it's once again because of Ed and things out of my control. I hate that feeling. HATE IT. SO that's what set me off.
3. So so far I've declined two jobs and here's where maybe I'll gain one. I was a photo booth hostess last year and was let go because of my disease. Yes that's fucked up but I think the owner did have my best intentions at heart (I mean there's nothing BUT booze and food at weddings). BUT they are giving me another chance :)

So after all that I get to work out of my routine and try to start working.

Then I'm reminded by my mom that my Granny's birthday is today. The one who passed away in September. It's a very hard day for my dad and then I hear that he had to leave work early. My dad IS NOT emotional. So then I get upset. 

Then I start eating. I don't really realize it because it's lunch time. I'm not hungry and I'm not not hungry but here I am eating. And I don't stop. I still eat on my meal plan but I keep pushing it eating lunchsnackdinner in one sitting.

Oh shit. As soon as I come to I feel really full. I want to purge. I have to purge. OMG what did I do?

No. No you don't do that anymore. You want to get better and not need treatment? You need to talk back to Ed you need to defy him.

But it's so fucking uncomfortable. 

It won't make you feel better and it'll throw your day off more.

Call someone.

So I did. I called three friends and they all helped and I'm happy to say that I didn't purge.

This disease is a sneaky one but I'm onto him. I'm really just sick of him telling me what to do and how to do it.

Lately I've made these changes:

1. asked to step down to outpatient from intensive outpatient. I just can't handle going to work full time treatment then AA. Everything is falling a part around me and I'm spread so thin I can't do anything well.
2. I am working out every other day instead of every day. I realized that I have been resenting the gym because I would push myself to go to the gym when I actually had free time.  Plus then there's no room for other fun things which makes me sad and want to isolate.
3. I've had to work really hard at not future tripping. I want a new job and I want it now. But it doesn't work like that. When i hear other coworkers getting these amazing offers and things I'm like what's wrong wiht me? Why can't I get that? But no, in good time God will show me my way.
4. I've been working on not eating in front of the tv and or really taking the time to taste what I am eating. Slowing it down. It's helping me to show me when I'm full and what that feels like.

PS I was on the phone with the Cobra lady and I told her I had bulimia and she goes...what's that? And I was like uh seriouslY? In my head. I had to resist the urge to say I can read minds (from Zoolander) and tell her what I did to myself. She had heard of it but didn't know the extent of it.

CRAZY that something that has taken over my life someone else couldn't even be familiar with.