It's Not My Fault

Yesterday was a good day overall.
So was the day before that.
I mean they were hard and I had to constantly fight Ed but really I was in control and I was happy.

So today threw me for a loop.
I woke up with an off feeling.
I never know where to place the blame or how to combat it. But it almost feels like an inevitable binge purge day (yes that's probably where my problem is...but I do try to do everything in my power to not think that way).
But it didn't work.
I just finished bingeing and purging consecutively.
It's a Saturday night.
I should be with AA people hanging out.
I should have gone to the meeting.
I should have not opened that box of that one thing that led to me opening all the boxes, bags, containers, cartons of all things.
But I did and I can't change the past.
And while I feel like shit physically, something came over me mentally.
I got mad.
And for once I didn't get mad at myself. I didn't get mad at the food. Mad at my "too tight pants." Mad at "those fuckin' skinny bitches with big boobs (HOW DO THEY DO IT?)".
I got mad at Ed.
I just finished saying something like this out loud to myself while cleaning up my kitchen (because I stared at the box of food that started it all cursing it for tempting me) when I realized that it's not the foods fault, it's not the clothes, the media, the girls, the guys (even though none of these help) and it's NOT MY FAULT.
It's the fact that I'm powerless over this disease. It's a disease that's cunning and attacks both your physical, mental and emotional person.
I'm powerless over it. And what I do is not my fault. So getting upset that I fucked up again. Cursing random food. The Victoria's Secret models...isn't going to help.
Because I'm always pointing my finger elsewhere Ed was skirting the blame.
So instead of beating myself up and trying to find out where "I messed up" I need to find out where HE got in. What HE did. What HE said. What HE made me believe. And I need to get rid of it. To change it. Not me. Because the real me would never treat myself like this.

Even though I'm powerless over this disease it doesn't mean I'm helpless.

Now I'm going to rehydrate and watch Weeds. Good night.