My Conversations With Ed

So I'm reading Life Without Ed.

And the author Jenni Schaefer writes out her conversations with Ed.

This morning Ed wouldn't shut up so I thought I'd give him some attention and try out Jenni's tactic.

Last night I went to one of my best friend's birthday celebrations and overall had a wonderful time. It was just hard to fight Ed off.

Me: everyone keeps saying I look good. Like more than they ever have.

Ed / me?: I brush off the compliments because they probably read your blog and feel sorry for you.

Me: why would someone lie? But I don't get why now I'm ok to them when I feel the least ok I've ever felt with my appearance. It confuses my will and drive to keep working out and eat less. How do I stay this way in which everyone seems to approve? (I see it's an issue I want to please everyone else but then again I can't trust myself. I don't know what I really look like or when I'm ok and all I want to be is ok).

Ed (In his kind voice): don't eat that, you feel really full.  

Me: I'm going to try it anyway. I know if I don't eat I'll end up BP later.

Ed (as I'm eating a taco): see it's gross and you can't even taste it because you are so nervous. These are your closest friends why can't you just relax? Why can't you be normal for once?

Me: I am paying more attention to you than them. (then I focused on my friends' conversation making some funny comment. It felt good and natural but didn't last long before I was confronted with Ed again).

Ed: you're the fattest one here. I can't believe you wore those tight jeggings and a tight shirt. Who do you think you are? Go to the bathroom and check yourself out and see how bad you really look.

I go to the bathroom and it's a full length mirror. Ugh.

Me: I don't want to look. I can't look. Either way I'll be upset. My friends like me for me…not for you.

I leave the bathroom just fixing my hair only.

And that is how my night went.

Now this morning er afternoon:

Ed or me?: you feel really full and sick.

Me: that's because you ate three yogurts, 1/2 cup oatmeal and a banana. And it didn't even make you feel better. It tasted weird. But you kept eating it because it was in front of you, it worked in the past and maybe the next bite would be different.

Ed: just eat an apple for lunch.

Me: ok. I feel too sick to eat anything else even though I made lunch.

Ed: good. Don't eat those calories later. Plus you fat ass ate them all last night. You couldn't even throw up all of the stuff you ate.

Me: I know.

Ed: usually you'd be off of work right now and walked to the bus, from the bus, on two 15 minute breaks, to the bus home from the bus and a workout. But all you've done is sleep today and now you want to go shorts shopping? I'll show you.

Me: I know. But you exhausted me. I'm sick because of throwing up and my throat hurts. I kept pushing myself to workout—

Ed: ya and you couldn't even do it 5xs a week like we agreed.

Me: and I'm exhausted from it. I can't do that lifestyle of cutting calories and working out all the time anymore.

Ed: I know and it shows.

Ed: you remember the prettiest girl at the party from last night?

Me: yes.

Ed: did you notice how she didn't really talk to you or acknowledge you even when you had the courage to talk to her?

Me: yes.

Ed: why do you think that is?

Me: because she knows she's prettier and better than I am.

Ed: exactly.

Ed: remember how you left the party early last night so you could get in bed in time for work?

Me: yes.

Ed: remember how I made you binge and purge instead?

Me: yes.

Ed: you're such a failure. How embarrassing for you.

Me: I know. I always have these good intentions that each night after going out will be different but then I find myself doing the same thing. But I won't always do this.

Ed: yes you will. I haven't seen you do anything else. You're not going to get better.

And I'm here writing not sure what mood to be in. Not sure where I stand. Not sure if I'm a good or bad person when you tally everything up last night. My life is a lot of checks and balances. You worked out; good you deserve to feel better. You had a cookie REALLY bad regret it the rest of the day. Etc. It's all about Ed feeling in control to make me feel in control of my life and that I'll be ok. So if I do work out and work towards getting thinner he's happy and I'm therefore "ok" if I do something that I want to do like eat a cookie that's not working toward the goal and therefore "not ok."

I'm going shorts shopping and fighting off his anger with me for not working out or really moving from anywhere but my bed to the bathroom. Today I just don't want to care. I'm sick of caring.