An Update...Thing.

I've been meaning to write.
But that would require effort.
That's not something I have much of lately.

(For those of you who know where I work please respect to keep this to yourself)

I can't get up for work in time to save my life. I have to bribe myself with a latte.

I don't want to go to the gym.

I would rather wear sweats-every day.

I keep cancelling my plans with friends.

It's much easier to do nothing than something.

But it's not like I've been doing NOTHING. I do a shit ton. And I think that's why I want to do nothing.

I'm tired. Really fucking tired.

I'm constantly sick from work stress and not being able to take time off.
I'm constantly sick from throwing up (this only happens weekly if that YAY!).
I'm constantly thinking, doing or acting on my two addictions (bulimia and alcoholism for you new kids).

I go to work, go to treatment, go to the gym, go to AA.
There's no time for me, whoever this person I'm becoming is doesn't get much time to herself.

I'm so exhausted by the end of the day or week I don't WANT to be social.
Sitting watching Girls and falling asleep early is much more appealing to me than going out into the terrifying world of my social life. So that's what I've been doing.

Something needs to change. I want recovery, but my steps to recovery is making my recovery suffer.

I'm going to once again ask my therapist to have my dinner group be on Wednesdays  (when I'm already there for nutrition and therapy). This way I'd have at least Tuesday and Thursday off during the week.

I don't want to point the blame in the wrong place though. I mean it's like a catch-22. I need to recover so I don't keep using behaviors to relax when I finally get a second. But I need to have more me time in order to be able to take time for myself which means less time dedicated to going to treatment or AA.

I'm at this crossroads right now.

I see where I can make recovery / non disordered choices and I see / hear when Ed is talking.
However no matter which option I choose I'm still pissing one or the other off.

Yesterday was day two of not working out in a row. BIG NO for Ed.
He was making me obsess over my pants and how tight they felt.
He was trying to convince me to not eat lunch.
He was trying to get me to go workout during work when I really should well be working.

BUT I was craving something sweet so I got zucchini bread. Yum.
I ate it. All of it. And I enjoyed it.

Then Ed was trying to make me go get more so I could throw up.
Then he changed his mind and told me just to not eat dinner.
Then he thought cancelling on group to go workout would be ok.
Then he thought about just eating green beans for dinner.

And all of this crazy, repetitive, nonstop thoughts made me so anxious and uncomfortable that I wish I hadn't eaten the damn bread. I realized that I don't go out on a limb or against Ed because of how loud he gets. It's just easier to follow his rules because then he leaves me alone for a bit.

However, what I ended up doing was praying for him to leave me alone, going to group, and eating everything on my meal plan. It was so fucking hard but I did it.

Luckily at group there was a speaker that talked about how hard this truly is. She talked about knowing those feelings of being out of control and anger and how you just have to sit through them. And that's what I did yesterday. It won't always be uncomfortable but it just royally sucks right now while it is.

Every time I keep defying him and pushing forward the stronger I get.

If it weren't for Ed I wouldn't need insurance and could have sought other job opportunities months ago. Just another example of everything he's taken from me. And I'm so sick of it.

So basically I'm fighting with him...and I'm a scrappy mean bitch when you really piss me off.