F*ckingSh*tF*ck

I'm shook up.

I feel like I want to get sick.

Last night after I had a scary binge I swore I wouldn't do any eating disorder behaviors again.

But then I wake up this morning and start to overeat.

Ok I get it I'm powerless. Help me God. Fuckingshit help me.

They keep telling me to pray and act as if but I'm still doing these behaviors and I really don't want to but at the time I do and I can't seem to stop and that's where you come in and help me because I know I need help.

I want to step down my treatment but I think it's subconsciously fucking me up. Putting even more of a weight on bingeing, making it more forbidden so therefore I do it more.

Last night I binged so hard I had 12 muffins 4 grill cheeses and I could barely throw up without choking on my own puke.

That's how others die not me.

I am hoping that if I have a bad enough one that it'll force me to stop.

Like when I drank so badly that one day and I haven't had a drink since.

I'm calling today my binge purge sober day. Day one.

But then again I'm having a hard time not overeating at breakfast. Even when I don't want to…I just do it. Then I feel like shit about myself and I hate myself.

I loathe myself.

And I don't think watching Girls helped because Hannah is going through some weird shit on her own and then she meets up with Adam and now everything is better?
But it doesn’t work like that. No man can save me from this. Only God can and he doesn't seem to give a flying fuck.

Maybe I'm just too sick to see how he's working and helping but I  just want to be better and I work so hard but I can't work this hard all the time.

Is that the truth or just an excuse?
I feel like I use it as an excuse to use behaviors that I deserve to because I've been working to damn hard.

That really makes no sense. I've been working so hard to not use behaviors so to bring me relief I need to use behaviors?
I can't stop shaking because I feel so unsettled.

I feel like shit from BP and from lack of sleep.

I feel like shit from eating weird combinations of foods.

I feel like shit because I almost got hit by a bus on my bike and my nerves are through the roof.

I'm shaking. I can't stop shaking.

I feel so fat right now. Like all that food I ate last night already went to my thighs and ass.

I can feel it. Why did I do this again?
Why can't I stop?

Fuck you I fucking hate you.

I'm done with myself I'm so fucking done.