The Moral of the Bachelorette Party

This weekend I caught a glimpse into life.
It was refreshing, scary, hard, surreal, fun.
This was the first weekend away since I can remember actually having a social life that I was addiction and disease free.

I went to Leavenworth with my best girl friends for my friend's bachelorette party.
In a word is was wonderful.

It was no crazy party weekend in Vegas with luxury topped with glamour but that's not who I am or my friends are.

My friends are real people. They are down to earth. They are humble. They are kind. They are not afraid to be themselves. They say what's on their mind. They do what they want to do but put friends first. They have healthy relationships with food, alcohol and their significant other. They are my role models.

Considering the elements of a bachelorette party - or any weekend away really - it could be a feeding ground (er literally) for my eating disorder and alcoholism. When we were in the car over I was like WTF am I thinking? Everyone is going to want to day drink. Take shots. Pop bottles. Have mimosas. Have "bad" foods around 24/7. These girls can eat what they want when they want and still be thin. These girls are all gorgeous inside and out. And who am I to them? No one.

When I got to the cabin after the car ride my mind was racing and my anxiety high. I just saw everything I wasn't. I saw these girls that had career paths. Fiances. Awesome travel experiences. Great looks. Natural beauty. They could  hold a beer in their hand and causally drink. They could say I'm full after a cupcake. These girls were not me. Once again I was alone. The outsider. The boring one. The one who didn't fit in. I had nothing to offer this group--I wasn't even the skinniest one anymore--more like the largest.

I left the laughs and conversation a half hour after it started in the cabin and went on a walk. I felt the sun on my arms and the tears force themselves from my eyes. I tried batting them away-that's the last thing I needed-to look like the loser who wanted attention. Who was already creating drama "Everyone hates me. Poor me."

So I kept walking and I found myself talking. I don't know who I was talking to but talking turned to pleading. It turned to honesty. It turned into prayer.

I asked for help. I said I don't know how to do what I'm doing. I don't know how to be around so much alcohol, food and people at once with none of my old coping mechanisms. I prayed for strength. I prayed for Him to help me help others feel happy and comfortable on their experience.

Then I called some people. And while they didn't answer just crying on their voicemail and telling them my fears, hatred for these thoughts and longing to just be normal was enough.

I went back in and it wasn't easy right away but it got there.

This is the first get away that I can remember where I was not binging, purging, or drinking.

And...fack I'm starting to cry again...it feels so fucking good. I feel so free. I ate waffles for breakfast and had a cupcake at 1 AM. I got cheese and mayo on my sandwich. I didn't have to force myself to go on a morning run. I didn't need to drink. I wasn't constantly checking my reflection or fixing my makeup when we were out. I didn't care what people thought and I didn't need guys to tell me I was hot.

I'm so blessed to have the support system I do and you know what I don't even think the girls there have any idea what they were doing for me or what was going through my head most of the time. But I think that's the best way to do it.

My dietitian told me "Recovery is what I do outside of treatment." And I love that because that means that I really am in recovery.

While the thoughts are still in my head and I'm having trouble with the number I read on the scale today and that one girl didn't seem to like me much overall this weekend couldn't have gone any better.

So I guess the moral of the bachelorette party is that anything is possible from finding true love to living a life you never thought you could.

God bless.