So after crying my eyes out and talking about a pretty bad / shameful night in here, with friends, my sponsor and my higher power I realize that long story short, I just got too drunk.
I don't have to feel like shit about myself forever.
I don't have to ask for constant forgiveness.
I don't have to suck up to my friends.
I don't have to be ashamed and hang my head.
Not to say what I did wasn't bad or doesn't mean anything but I just made a mistake-a big one but still an honest to God mistake. I made an ass out of myself and most likely you've done it too.
People make mistakes, it's how you react to those mistakes that matter.
What caused me to drink and has time and time again is negativity.
My mind goes that direction naturally, that's just how Ed has taught me to think over the past 11 years and it's a hard habit to break.
If something is gone I don't think I misplaced it, I 'know' someone has stolen it.
If I hear someone say my name it's not because they are giving me a compliment, it's because they are making fun of me.
You get it.
So, after beating myself up and being physically sick all day because of what I had done I decided to put my big girl pants on and get the fuck over it.
In order to do that I had to take action.
I apologized to my friends. One accepted it the other hasn't said a word to me and well that's on her.
I reached out to friends to help me talk my feelings through and make sense of what happened and why. I also just needed a pick me up.
I laid in bed and watched the rest of Weeds. I made myself a bomb ass sandwich. Did some chores. Basically made me feel human again.
I called ChaCha and we went and got pho for dinner. He gave me a pep talk or two and a much needed hug.
I talked to my sponsor about how to not skimp on program and what me drinking meant while working the steps.
And I went to bed on time. Peacefully and sober.
I didn't over eat or throw up.
I didn't give in and just get drunk to help me fall asleep.
I just took the next right step. I'm trying to follow direction, do what I'm told by people who care about me instead of what Ed and booze want me to do.
When they come up in my head and have me start to tell me how much I suck, how fat I am, how to not eat that, how I'm lazy...I just tell them it's not true and to leave me alone.
This is the first time I've figured out that positivity and kindness to myself will help me more than hating myself and just sitting in my anxiety.
So maybe this had to happen in order for me to grow, learn who I want to be and that who I am now isn't who I'm always going to be.
You go, girl!!
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