Finding The Silver Lining In The Shit Of It

So after crying my eyes out and talking about a pretty bad / shameful night in here, with friends, my sponsor and my higher power I realize that long story short, I just got too drunk.

I don't have to feel like shit about myself forever.
I don't have to ask for constant forgiveness.
I don't have to suck up to my friends.
I don't have to be ashamed and hang my head.

Not to say what I did wasn't bad or doesn't mean anything but I just made a mistake-a big one but still an honest to God mistake. I made an ass out of myself and most likely you've done it too.
 
People make mistakes, it's how you react to those mistakes that matter.

What caused me to drink and has time and time again is negativity.
My mind goes that direction naturally, that's just how Ed has taught me to think over the past 11 years and it's a hard habit to break.

If something is gone I don't think I misplaced it, I 'know' someone has stolen it.
If I hear someone say my name it's not because they are giving me a compliment, it's because they are making fun of me.

You get it.

So, after beating myself up and being physically sick all day because of what I had done I decided to put my big girl pants on and get the fuck over it.

In order to do that I had to take action.

I apologized to my friends. One accepted it the other hasn't said a word to me and well that's on her.

I reached out to friends to help me talk my feelings through and make sense of what happened and why. I also just needed a pick me up.

I laid in bed and watched the rest of Weeds. I made myself a bomb ass sandwich. Did some chores. Basically made me feel human again.

I called ChaCha and we went and got pho for dinner. He gave me a pep talk or two and a much needed hug.

I talked to my sponsor about how to not skimp on program and what me drinking meant while working the steps.

And I went to bed on time. Peacefully and sober.

I didn't over eat or throw up.
I didn't give in and just get drunk to help me fall asleep.

I just took the next right step. I'm trying to follow direction, do what I'm told by people who care about me instead of what Ed and booze want me to do.

When they come up in my head and have me start to tell me how much I suck, how fat I am, how to not eat that, how I'm lazy...I just tell them it's not true and to leave me alone.

This is the first time I've figured out that positivity and kindness to myself will help me more than hating myself and just sitting in my anxiety.

So maybe this had to happen in order for me to grow, learn who I want to be and that who I am now isn't who I'm always going to be.

Took A Detour

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqyEzFzkJWs

Every morning on my way to work I follow the same path. Sometimes I'll get ballsy and will go on the other side of the street OH! that's usually if someone is annoying me.

While walking / trotting down Capitol Hill I talk to God. I tell him I'd like some help today. That I need to face another day and I can't do it alone. I ask him to help keep me sober and out of my destructive habits just for today, we can worry about tomorrow when I'm facing it. I usually pray for friends who need it. Those who are looking for jobs, whos grandparents are sick, who I haven't talked to in a while.

Today during this I realized I was 5 minutes early for my bus-THAT my friends is a miracle in itself-but not the point. So I got this crazay idea to walk all the way to work (mind you I'm wearing my cool new Nikes and work out outfit) and so I did.

Took me about 40 minutes but that's including me stopping to take pictures. And here they are:

Walking towards the water

My favorite place in all Seattle...by the water!

Saw these bad boys pull up one after the other at QWEST (F off Century Link) today policemen take a disabled child out for the day and let them be police chiefs! How fun!

Ya they are out of order...but I'm rushing.

Sun outside Safeco

<3 td="td">

The entire journey I listened to music like Breathe Me, Sia and Shawn McDonald.

I was very present in that moment, feeling the sun on  my skin, taking in my city, and talking to God.

It was wonderful.

Have a good day!

Shame V Pride

So.
Anyone notice how I start a lot of my posts with "so," SO annoying.
But for serious.

So, I haven't been ok, but really good at pretending I am.
At least I'm falling for it.

I'm in a glass case of emotion.

And it fucking sucks a fatty.

One minute I'm Frosted Flakes grrreat and the next I'm literally on the floor trying to physically get rid of the shame I feel.

 He Did This Just For You by Max Lucado is a  bit of literature I cannot get enough of. I reread his words and learn something new from them, like it's the first time I'm reading it.

Pride and Shame is a portion of the writing that comes to my mind tonight. "Pride boasts. Shame hides. Pride seeks to be seen. Shame seeks to be avoided."

These sister emotions have been having a fucking rager in me this past month.

When I thought I had a control on my drinking and my eating, Pride was everywhere. I thought I was "FIXED." Welp, it's safe to say I was wrong.

Shame is who I'm kickin it with right now. She sucks. She can't stand who she is, she can't stand that she can't stop feeling this way, she's embarrassed that she keeps fucking up even though she doesn't want to, she's sick of herself and her excuses...so she wants to punish herself-and she does.

She tortures her mind with negativity, that's all consuming but puts on a smile on the outside.

Today, I was invited to lunch after church with the sweetest, funniest lady and her friend. I went and got the bright idea to get a fatty fried fish sandwich, french fries and key lime cheesecake knowing all the while that I was going to go home and throw it up.

God gave me signs to stop. Both the women I was with talked about how a heavy meal wouldn't sit well with the heat, they got salads and soup. I could have opted for that. The waitress said they didn't have my initial burger choice, therefore trying to deter me from eating something I knew I shouldn't.
The woman I was with offered to drive me to work so I could stay later and enjoy their company but then I couldn't go home and throw up.

I CHOSE TO DO WHAT I DID. I WANTED TO...even though I didn't.

So I proceeded with the ritual of being ok when I'm really fucking not. I asked the right questions, was charming at the table and politely excused myself until I couldn't stand the toxin in my body anymore.

I got home burst through the door and did my best to get rid of the meal she so kindly bought me. Hating myself more and more with every heave.

I looked at the clock, time to go to work, the pretending starts over again.

But it didn't have to stay.

God once again reached out to me and this time I took it. I confided in my coworker, and moreover my friend. She let me vent, she gave me someone else to reach out to.

No sooner did I leave her did I get two texts from two other major support systems...reminding they care about me even if I don't.

I chose to be honest with them with where I'm at. Relief flooded me.

Lastly, my friend who I adore and admire, called me about 15 minutes ago. We talked about some good things and not so good things. The main thing was that we talked. I didn't hide, shame didn't get the best of me.

I may not always, but I'm getting the hang of it, this caring about myself thing.

While I'm powerless over my addictions I am the only one who can chose to get help. If I don't ask for help, if I am not willing to take the steps, however small, towards a better life I cannot expect and will not get one.

Tomorrow I go to the Moore Center in Bellevue. I really don't want to but so far what I've wanted to do hasn't worked out.

XOX

Finding Faith

Here's a rose. Because I'm obsessed. And I like when I post this on Facebook and a picture goes with it. That's all.

My last post, which you should have read...because...well...I'm awesome...talked about that I'm not sure where my faith stands. I found out that I wasn't as secure in my beliefs as I thought I should be. Turns out it's difficult to put your all into something you can't see. But I guess that's like with anything.

You put your faith into a relationship that just starts because you believe there's a spark there, there's something special that's worth your time and effort and trust even if it's just starting out. You don't know how it will turn out, you can't know until you get there.

You put your faith in work, in your goals and dreams. You can't see the end result or how your efforts will prevail, what the long hours will end up getting you, but you keep on working because you believe it'll get you somewhere.


Even with the gym haha I keep switching from you / I. I guess in the above I mean I when I say you, but I'm too lazy to change it. HA. I go to the gym in hopes that each set I do and mile I run will produce a hot bod, even if I can't see the results now.

Now this isn't very Godly or spiritual but eh. . . this is swhat goes on in my head. Lucky you getting to read it haha HANYVAY...

I was journaling yesterday and realized faith isn't as easy as just going "Welp, God loves me. Cool." No no no. You've got to work at it. You have to pray for him to show you the way. You have to be willing to see how he's working in your life and count your blessings. AND you have to do his will NOT yours. Oye I really suck at that.

Sin. Little lesson for ya, sin is spelled with an I in the middle, aka you do what YOU want when you sin. It's self will not his will. Sin brings you further away from God and that's why life can feel crummy sometimes.

But because I was willing and prayed and acted on what little faith I have, he showed me the above. He speaks in many ways. And yesterday he came through me into my writing. Also, he came through in a Facebook message. OH Facebook.

A friend who is an avid reader, I made that up, I just wanted to sound cool, but she has at least read two of my posts and I thank her for that! Anyway, she reminded me that I'm not the only one confused. OH YA I'm not the only person with problems. I forget that you people are out there too and you don't have perfect lives. :) But she reminded me to keep at it and to keep at it honestly. He already knows everything we do say think the good and the bad so it's silly hiding from him, thinking he doesn't know what's up. Like Santa. haha Gosh I love Christmas.

ANYWAY...Long story short. God is here in my life, he always has been and he has a plan for me that he's revealing when I'm read for it. Even when I think I'm not. Even when I think he's stopped listening he's there.

I'm feeling so blessed. And I hope that this post reminds you that everyone's confused everyone's a little lost but you're never alone.

<3

Faith

I’m having issues with my faith.

I realized it while walking today, and I’d say that’s an act of God working in my life, helping me to see what’s going on in my head. So I’m getting closer to figuring it out.

I only believe that there is a God and that He’s there for me after He does something great. After I see him, feel him working in my life. Not before. My prayers, even though I mean them and I do want help, I feel phony when I say them most of the time.

Why would someone ever forgive me for all my sins? Why would someone accept me for who I am? Why would someone love me unconditionally?

I had this question the other day in my fourth step. Are you pessimistic or optimistic? And I didn’t realize just how negative I am. For whatever reason I don’t believe or trust that God is there for me or loves me. I just don’t see why.

I also feel this way about most people. Why would so n so like me? Why would she want to be my friend? He is so gorgeous, giving, funny. She is so pretty, positive and likeable. Then he leaves me and my fears are reaffirmed. I am demoralized lost and just more gung-ho that I am as bad as I’ve always told myself I am. Just waiting for my friends to leave me too because I don’t deserve them.

I heard in a meeting the other day that God will love me until I learn to love myself. That’s a great quote and idea but how do I believe that?

I’ve been acting as if. So praying like I believe, really trying to mean it, but then again you can’t force things. Trying too hard, forcing things, has always been a down fall for me. I tried too hard to get a job exhausting myself, I tried so hard to be liked making myself miserable, I try so hard to be in shape and thin and control my eating and in the end what do I get? This disease.

The answer is generally to turn it over to God. But how do I turn over my faith to something I don’t even believe in, in order to believe it?

Fuck You Fries

I couldn't stop staring at this. Anyone realize what's wrong here? Anyone?

If you said: The fries have barely been touched. 

YOU ARE CORRECT!

Those fries belonged to my brother, Steven.

Dad, Steven and I were at Blue Moon Burger for Fathers' Day.

I hadn't seen either one of them in way too long.

And here I sit staring at fried potatoes.

I had to consciously drag my mind away from how much I wanted to eat those fries, and my bewilderment as to why Steven hadn't devoured them yet.

The kid couldn't stop talking about the amazing work he'd just finished doing at Whipple Observatory in Arizona with a professor. His burger sat, with a perfect bite taken out of it, lonely, unnoticed as all of his attention went to trying to explain to me different physics terms, facts, theories and other super intelligent thingys.

Poor burger. If I wouldn't throw you up and hate myself for eating your delicious, fattening, greasy goodness I'd have never let you sit there for so long.

The third time I had to say "Wait. What?" to Steven I realized just how much attention I was giving his food, that I was so inside my own head and my obsession and my twisted thinking that I was ignoring my little brother talking about one of the coolest experiences he's ever had. That's fucking stupid that I do that. And yet I do. That burger and fries was like an open bar to an alcoholic. Or dangling drugs in front of an addict.

I had to laugh at myself though. Realizing that this really is a disease, a physical, mental and emotional disease. Which led me to realize how different I am. And not just because of my disease but just how different of a person I am from my brother.

And at first I was ashamed.

(please keep in mind my wheels are turning and working this through as I try to understand spectro-something theories and hold conversations with my family haha)

Steven talked so passionately, excitedly about his work at the observatory. He showed me pictures to point out what he was talking about. He cared whether or not I got what he was talking about. It made me admire him even more than I already do.

So then my mind wandered to: What have I done lately? Oh ya I wrote about tie-dye tutu tee shirts. And my new zit cream is so not working, but at least my eyelashes look pretty today. And I um get my hair done on Monday. COOL LIFE.

I made the comment that I was too stupid to get what was being talked about. And as soon as the words left my lips something inside me said "no you're not." And the fact that, on my own that came up as a red flag is huge improvement. That instead of continuing to put myself down I stood up for me (it's  fun fighting with yourself).

Then, by the grace of God, I began to embrace and make fun of the differences between myself and my brother.

The burgers and fries were their splurge. Mine was having ketchup and a couple fries. And Parmesan cheese on my chicken.

And that's ok. Because that's who I am. That's where I am at in life.

It's ok that when Steven said helium I immediately thought of sucking the air out of balloons and talking in funny voices rather than it as an element.

That when I heard the words "Super Nova" I didn't think of an exploding star but rather Zenon Girl of the 21st Century.

And it's even kind of cool that I started jotting down notes in my phone so I could remember what I wanted to blog about later.

Because while I am not a scientist, I am a writer.

There are a lot of things I'm not, but that makes me who I am. And I'm learning to stop fighting that and embracing it. So kids, and you should try this too, here are five things I really like about myself.

1. I like my witty sarcasm
2. I like the shape of my lips
3. I like that I will dance at any time and anywhere 
4. I like that I wear a ring on each finger
5. I like that I have a blog (and if I may add to that-I like that you're reading it)

Now those are not that exciting, cool and really quite random but they help make me who I am. And who I am is slowly becoming ok and I'm slowly becoming ok with who I am.

For your viewing pleasure:

Grassy Ass

Can I just say, well of course I can, this is my blog :) THANK YOU.

My heart just dropped and started racing and this really rediculous smile came across my face...and yup it's still there...BECAUSE...

MY LAST POST HAD 58 VIEWS WITHIN AN HOUR OF WRITING IT.

I swear I don't even have that many friends.

You guys rock. All of the positive feedback I get from you, the messages, comments, "likes: etc mean the world to me.

While, ya selfishly this is all for me, but at the same time who doesn't like to be liked?

Not this self-conscious anorexic bulimic addict crazy person.

From those of you who message me personally about your struggles, to offering your support, to the random (this is one of my favorites) reader who yelled across the bar a couple Saturday nights ago "I LOVE YOUR BLOG!"

THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart.

The support, honesty, and well ATTENTION that you show me, my writing and my uh...cause? Is killer. Just superb. Awesome (with a gigantic capital A).

So much love for you all.

Keep coming back <3

What I Learned In Church This Sunday

I don't know if it's an insult, but God's making good choices very easy to me. It's almost like he doesn't think I could make good ones on my own. Oh wait. No, no I definitely can't.

I just moved out to Capitol Hill and if you walk out of my apartment and go right there is Pine / Broadway and a ton of bars. If you go left there's a church.

It took some time, and a few failures but I chose to go left this morning.

Now, if you haven't had the pleasure of dealing with me, I'm a crabby bitch until I get a small dose of reality in the morning.

So, after entering Captiol Hill Presbyterian, my annoying small bladder and I headed to the bathroom. When washing my hands I saw the other stall door open, and a sweet old lady in a gray velour jumpsuit (I can't wait to be old and wear that every day) walk out. "She's going to talk to you, and you have to be nice" I tell myself. I said a quick prayer along the lines of "please don't let me be a condescending bitch to this sweet old lady" and it worked.

I ended up sitting with her, she told me all about communion and introduced me to Pastor James among others. Then service started.

FYI, I'm a fuck up. I have so many issues and things wrong with me that they've given them names and categorized them as a disease making rehab centers and 12 step programs to fix them. When I introduce myself in meetings I get to say "Hi I'm Kris, I'm an alcoholic, anorexic, bulimic and compulsive overeater and some say overachiever."
I'M SO FUNNY.

What I heard today in sermon was something I had been needing spelled out for me.
Sin isn't a private matter. It doesn't just affect me. Following that statement, we are taught that we're a product of our own decisions, insisting that our successes are all on us, self-made, as well as our failures. We making them all by our little selves, getting to deal with them alone.

BUT this is a muthafuckin' lie.

Want to know why? You bet you do. Because we're never alone. God or your higher power (I'm going to just refer to Him as God) never leaves, the light, His light, is always there, your eyes have to be open to it.

When something is wrong, you want to fix it.

When I got my DUI and totaled Pearl, my mom was focused on why. On what was going on in my head (I told her it was a whole lot of vodka and beer—she didn't like that answer) when I chose to drive. She wanted to put blame, find a reason, and fix it.


In program we are taught to live our day one hour at a time, because that's all we have.

Focusing on why is us wanting control. We want to blame. Which is natural, but even as you find out why that still means the problem is there.

Instead, focus on how you can fix what's broken. Focus on the healing, the light in the dark. When you stop focusing on WHY and LET GO…that's when you are practicing faith. When there's something out of whack, something bent, off kilter or whatever that's a place for Jesus to come in and make it whole.


His work is being displayed in me. I am broken, I am cracked, I am weak but his light is filling me up. He is showing me that He is there for me, that I can make better decisions, I can become the person he intended me to be. And in turn, I can lift up others.

Hmm thinking of others, that's a big concept for me, I think I've hit my limit for good / nice / self-realization things for today, maybe even a quota for the week.
Score.
<3

Drive Drunk : Get Fucked.

We had a chain email going on at work.
The question: What are you afraid of?
I answered: snakes and my Achilles heel snapping and curling-omgewe.
My initial answer: jeans.

While yes, I am petrified of the first thing I said, what really makes me more anxious, nervous and scared is wearing jeans. I hate how they make me stick out in the wrong places. I hate how they are restricting. I hate how they make me feel fat.

And it is because of jeans, or well once again my eating disorder (that pesky bitch) that I got myself into a DUI battle and totaled my Subaru.
All in one go. Because, I am, an overachiever.

May 21 2011, so last summer, we all planned to meet at Golden Gardens.



I wanted to wear a tee but everyone knows you don’t wear a tee with leggings (hello ass), so I braved it and pulled on my skinny jeans.

I hadn’t even buttoned them and I was crying. I stood in front of the mirror despising what I saw. What I felt. I wanted to rip them to shreds along with my cellulite and my gigantic thighs.

As that’s impossible I settled for throwing a fit, stretching them out in the process. I wiggled and wormed, doing awkward squats (ladies you know what I mean) until they became comfortable aka unflattering and stretched out.

Realizing I was going to be late. I forced myself out the door, slamming it, angry at the world for making me so ugly and fat. I prayed slash blasted Carter III all the way to Totem Lake to my friend’s apartment.

I thought I felt better.

We arrived to a slowly setting sun and excitement that only sun in Seattle on a Saturday can bring. I hadn’t planned on drinking, but free beers were offered, and that’s all it takes for this cheap ass. I wanted to feel better about the stupid jeans and I knew the booze would do it, even if temporarily. In no time I was three deep and I was drunk.

The rest of the night was a blur of sand in places I wish it wasn’t, conversation with strangers and Sweet Tea Vodka (that in my drunken stupor I thought was mixed…I now know it’s NOT).

I got the great idea to call my recent ex…multiple times…upsetting and embarrassing myself in my almost black out state.

I don’t remember the car ride to Totem Lake from GG. I do know I didn’t drive.

I do remember coming to at about 1:00 am, still talking to my ex. We hung up. I wanted to go home and cry more. So I did. Ignoring offers to stay on the couch. I got into my car, Pearl, and drove.

That’s the last trip I’d ever make in that car.

Pressure.

(PLAY LINK NOW. Please. Or else this post won't be as epic.)

I go into the dimly lit room of the cardio theater of my gym and close the door. I am alone.

My breathing is rapid. I try to calm it. I inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth. The sweat drips off my face as I lean forward grabbing for my right foot with my right hand. The stretch feels good. I feel accomplished.

I hide in here from the wandering eyes of the men out there, the women too. I fear judgement. In here I can bend my body anyway I like and not have the anxious feeling of watching eyes.

My legs feel weak after lifting and running until I exhausted myself. They shake a bit as I switch positions.

The beat of "Pressure" starts to lift me up out of my current place. I shut my eyes slowly and breath out letting the treble pulse through my thoughts. It's rhythm is getting faster and so does my imagination.

I'm no longer in the gym.

"Come around, feel the sound

Boy you make my heart pound

Fill me up, bring me down

When I hear your sound..."

The music swirls.

I'm completely inside my head.

The bass drops.

I feel emotion. I don't know what it is. But I'm alive. All at once everything is serene, calm. Everything is ok.

My body is cohesive with my spirit. I am one. I am whole.

Before I can question it I am silenced by the sexuality of the beat, the pulse...my body feels like I'm paralleling it.

There is no filter to my emotion. No cap. But I don't even know what this feeling is.

"I've got pressure, I'm in deep
Seems everybody wants something from me"

I want to take you there. I want you to feel my heart beat, my blood rush, my body breathe.

"I was a lover, but now I thief

I'll take your breath away and set you free"

He's with me now. I can feel him. I don't ask why or how...I just know.

I've become light. My legs move under me and I curl up stretching my back. Relaxed.

Every part of me tingles without being touched. My skin raises in goosebumps.

"So much pressure
So much heat
So much hassle

They want me"

I want you to feel the quiet power and security I'm experiencing in this moment. I'm not in the past or future ... I'm present.

I lose myself in the bass ... seeing myself move eloquently, sexually to the music without fault or hesitation. I'm being myself even though I can't tell you who that is, but now in this moment I feel sure.

I felt alive.

I was something bigger than myself.

I need to tell you this to explain to you.

I need to tell you this to explain it to myself.

What I think I felt was my faith.

The beat fades. I hear the clinking of the weights, the hum of the treadmills.

I'm back. But no longer feel alone.

He's with my now.

Kris.

I Need a Leap or um SHOVE of Faith.

Listening to this non stop...


So I kind of forget God, or my higher power, is there.
It's nice to remember, comforting, like OH YEAH!
Like when you hear it's Friday and you thought it was Thursday.
...ya it's a good feeling.

Ever since I started believing in a power greater than myself I turn my problems over to them-or well I try to. It's much easier said than done. I mean if it was a physical thing like if I could hold my anxiety, insecurities, and anger in a jar and hand it over to someone and be free of it...that'd be cool.

So my issue is with trust.

I have one hand free trying to reach Him, let go of what I have that's holding me down...while the other is clinging for dear life to my disease. I wrote in circles about this earlier trying to reason with myself. HA like that's going to happen.

Anorexics have a fear of getting fat, (obviously) but a real true fear of it. Like there's not many worse things that can happen to me.

When I was really sick I would construct my life, habits, thoughts around this, it's getting better but it's been a 'bad habit' for 9 years now. It never occurred to me that I'd have to stop being afraid of foods and fat to live normally until I started reading Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous.

They're telling me if I eat what's put in front of me (with in reason) and only that or as much as that I will not get fat. They're telling me that rice is ok, that reduced fat cheese or a burger once in a while will not make me 200 lbs, they are telling me I don't have to do 1 hour of cardio after a night in Fremont, that I can lay on the couch when on the phone instead of walk...etc

That I can and need to let go of these habits that comfort me and make me feel like everything is ok. But in order to do that I need to trust that He knows what's best.

BUT WHAT IF I DO GET FAT? WHAT IF I LOSE CONTROL? What if I do gain 10 pounds even? Do you realize what will happen to me? Do you realize how awful that is? No one will talk to me. I will be ugly. Unhappy. Miserable. A loser.

Oh wait if I lose control...haven't I already lost control? Doesn't my disease have a hold on me? It's grip is so tight that I can't chose what I want to eat, if I exercise for hours on end, if I clearly see the person staring back at me, if I'm happy. It does.

So I got to keep saying it.

God I can't handle this. I need help. I cannot do this on will power alone. Maybe if I keep saying it it will come true.

<3 Kris.

What I Learned in Church Last Week

Now that Easter is over, being a good wonderful charming (well shoot I'm always charming) human being is not in the forefront of my mind.

Last Sunday, Pastor Paul did me a favor.
He specifically said in his sermon, KRISTIN LEIGH (middle names mean business)YOU NEED TO BE BETTER THAN YOU"RE BEING BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN DOING SOME NOT-SO-GOOD-STUFF AND MESSING UP AND IT'S TIME TO CUT IT OUT ... LIKE NOW.

... well ... ok NO ... the sermon ... his LAST sermon at NCP mind you ... was not catered to me ... but it might as well have been. Pastor Paul may have given my direction a glance while reminding us to not forget God's love and his way and to not lose our own after Easter.

HANYVAY.

I've learned God can be subtle. OR AS OBVIOUS AS ... uh something really obvious.

When Jesus rose from the dead God was pretty darn clear. He rolled a GINORMOUS bolder away from the cave, put an angel by it and had all of Jesus's clothing on the floor.
Yup safe to say he has risen.

AND YET PEOPLE STILL DIDN'T BELIEVE.

And yes. I am or uh was one of those people.

I have liked the idea of God and Jesus and a higher power and that someone will always love me no matter what ... it's a really frickin good idea however WHY THE HECK WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?

After all the crap I pull ... I mean really? And not even me there are worse people out there ... He still loves them too? WTF MATE. ( oh the memories http://www.ebaumsworld.com/. Class-ic.)

So this was explained to me in the children's message. By way of KUNG FU PANDA!




So first we watched the video.
So yes you do it too...it's only like 2 minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x62c8gsnJOQ

Ok great. The little rabbityracoonythingwithwhiskers is TOTALLY me. Or well how I was acting and handling my life.
I CAN control what jobs I apply for ... I CAN control my resume/cover letter ... I CAN control my responses to my interviews ... I CAN control my efforts in my recovery ... etc So therefore I was freaking out and trying so hard to do everything I possibly could to NOT fail that I WAS failing.

Ya dig?

But that is one wise turtle. You have to set your fears aside and BELIEVE. Control is an illusion ... yes you can take steps toward a goal and well you should BUT fate and God and faith will always let happen what is meant to. He knows best. So basically you just need to ... CHILL BRO.

Side note....so Chad's not coming? Chad's not even real? (Bro Rape ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zvTRQr7ns8) Also a classic.

But seriously. I listened to this advice as best I could with the job thing and BADDABINGBADDABOOM. I got myself a frickin J O BIZZLE...WHO AM I? Jeezelaweeze. It's bed time.

I stopped applying for stupid reception jobs that I didn't really want but it would be cool to maybe work my way up in that company because they seem kind of cool on paper and have the name media in their title so I could pretend I'm doing something I actually went to school for but no not really at all. I stopped revamping my resume. I stopped trying so hard to network. And just tried being happy with what I had.

The next couple of days Holland America called me for a youth services position I applied for months ago. Had a grand interview which I didn't even have to try in (because it was so grand), had an equally awesome second interview and was offered a contract 20 minutes after hanging up the phone.

I leave for two one week tours to Alaska July 2nd.

YAY!

You only have two hands. When ones clutching sin and the others gripping worry you have no hands left to be useful.
LET GO.
You can't MOVE UP from the monkey bars of life if you're not willing to let go of the bar you're holding.
It's scary as all get out but you won't know until you try.

Anyway. I hope you enjoyed my interactive ish blog post.

Kris.

PS THANK YOU GOD FOR THE SUN THIS WEEKEND!