Faith

I’m having issues with my faith.

I realized it while walking today, and I’d say that’s an act of God working in my life, helping me to see what’s going on in my head. So I’m getting closer to figuring it out.

I only believe that there is a God and that He’s there for me after He does something great. After I see him, feel him working in my life. Not before. My prayers, even though I mean them and I do want help, I feel phony when I say them most of the time.

Why would someone ever forgive me for all my sins? Why would someone accept me for who I am? Why would someone love me unconditionally?

I had this question the other day in my fourth step. Are you pessimistic or optimistic? And I didn’t realize just how negative I am. For whatever reason I don’t believe or trust that God is there for me or loves me. I just don’t see why.

I also feel this way about most people. Why would so n so like me? Why would she want to be my friend? He is so gorgeous, giving, funny. She is so pretty, positive and likeable. Then he leaves me and my fears are reaffirmed. I am demoralized lost and just more gung-ho that I am as bad as I’ve always told myself I am. Just waiting for my friends to leave me too because I don’t deserve them.

I heard in a meeting the other day that God will love me until I learn to love myself. That’s a great quote and idea but how do I believe that?

I’ve been acting as if. So praying like I believe, really trying to mean it, but then again you can’t force things. Trying too hard, forcing things, has always been a down fall for me. I tried too hard to get a job exhausting myself, I tried so hard to be liked making myself miserable, I try so hard to be in shape and thin and control my eating and in the end what do I get? This disease.

The answer is generally to turn it over to God. But how do I turn over my faith to something I don’t even believe in, in order to believe it?