I Woke Up On the Concrete

To quote my girl Katy Perry, I’m wide awake.                                                  

“Crashing from the high. I’m letting go tonight.”

Usually a 3 day bender full of music, hot dudes, dancing and binge drinking is called Vegas.

I call it relapse.

I’ve completely broken my sobriety. I did it because I lost sight of who I am, of what is important to me. I listened to everyone else but God. I did what I wanted to do.

I drank because I was nervous. Because I saw others doing it. Because I hated myself.

It’s twisted but how I picture my past month since breaking my sobriety is me kicking my own ass.

I took my shoulders in my hands and pushed myself hard against a wall. Hoping it hurt. I threw punches trying to calm my rage. I grabbed a hold of my clothes twisting them in my grip, picking myself up to look into my face. All I see is a blank face, dead eyes, someone who disgusts me then I’d shove my pathetic ass to the ground. Again and again until neither of us felt anything anymore.

I would wake up shaking uncontrollably, my heart racing and feeling sick. Confused as to what I had done the night before. I had to pick the pieces up and try to put things back together, go to work, be normal then get shit faced again.

I now know how important honesty is. Every time I stretch the truth, misconstrue it to make myself feel better I’m only hurting myself. God knows what I’ve been doing—the guy wasn’t born yesterday.

I didn’t want to admit I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, I just wanted to forget in that moment the pain, the shame, the fact that I have a problem. Looking back it wasn’t this abusive or deliberate at the time…I really just wanted to get a buzz and go party. Now I see it was much more than that. I wanted to be someone else, anyone else.

But something has woken up in me and I believe that thing is hope. I believe it is God listening to the last little flicker of light within me, guiding me towards him. As soon as I was willing to admit my sin, my shortcomings he listened.

I opened the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous at random and he showed me a story of a man who relapsed. An old friend called and invited me to a meeting. Another friend in program let me cry in the middle of the gym after my workout today. I see now all the people that care about me when I wouldn’t care about myself. Support, grace and serenity are surrounding me all because I’m willing, all because I actually want to get better this time, because I’ve seen the girl that I was and I don’t like her at all. I see now what a good person I am and what I deserve and that is another chance at life and I’m fucking taking it.