Honesty is the Best Policy

This is hard for me to tell you, because if I admit it here. If it's typed out in black and white, it becomes real. I have to face it. The shame. The hate. The confusion.

I’m out of control, my disease has taken over.

When I go home to Bothell, and stay in my parents house, it reminds me so many bad things, things that I mostly created within my sickness. I see now how I twisted words and situations, creating my own hell.

I was taken back there yesterday. Thoughts and feelings arose and well you know how parents can get on your nerves...

I made cookies. MISTAKE. Cookies are one the hardest things for most people to say no to, but for me they start something I can’t stop.

I thought I would be ok with my family downstairs, they could see me. They should know better than to let me do this. I started out fine until I thought it was ok to have one. Well I am a great baker and that lead to another which lead to another which lead to fuck it I’m eating as many as I can.

I am a very good liar. I am a cunning deceitful person and you wouldn't know it...that's how good I am. My family was watching a slideshow from my mom’s trip to FL. I engaged. I asked questions. I thought I was so sly. And I just kept eating. Even as my dad cleaned up the dishes. It was a rush. I was doing this right in front of them. I could keep doing it then get sick and everything would be fine.

And that’s what I did-but everything wasn’t fine.

I couldn't stop. So I did it again.

It’s twisted, it’s sick and it doesn’t make sense but I cannot stop. I’m derailed. I am humbled and I am so sick of writing that I messed up again.

I went to a friend's house. And I wanted a drink. I wanted an escape, so ‘escape’ I did.

However, I found that the buzz wasn’t working. I felt insignificant. Ugly.  Unimportant. Awkward. Lame. 

But I stayed away from the food, until I couldn’t because I had nothing in my system but beer. So I ate a little bit with the help of friends. And then I drank some more because why the fuck not. And the next thing I know I am eating the rest of the cookies I made secretly.

This is embarrassing. This is not something many can relate to, but if I’m going to be honest I need to be entirely honest.

I am ashamed that no matter what good intentions my friends have I let them down. That I once again wasted so much food, energy, time a perfectly good day hurting myself. It’s a very selfish disease.

But what have I learned from this?

I have learned that I cannot drink like I thought. I need to cut it out again. I cannot bake. I know that something else needs to be done and that I can’t quit trying because I just experienced what happens when I give up and I don’t like that either. 

My sponsor said to LET GO. That I am trying to work program too hard. I need to surrender and say I am powerless and I need help and I can't do this alone God. 

How do you let go without giving up?