Groundhog Day

She can feel her thighs sticking to the plastic booth, it’s uncomfortable and sparks immediate anger and self-loathing. 

Release is only moments away. It sits in front of her, teasing her. 

She looks away and tries to remember why she shouldn't give in.

The next thing she knows the glass in her hands and it's half gone.

She hears herself ask the waitress for another, then another.

This goes on for hours, but something’s wrong, she doesn’t feel better. 

The girl next to her is naturally pretty, strong, confident, everything she wishes she was and everything she feels she’s not. The girl sips her beer, then starts a conversation with strangers. How does she do that she wonders? How can she set the glass down? How come she's not nervous? How does she know what to say? What did she do to look that good? She wonders why she doesn’t look that way.

She asks for a shot. 

Something’s got to work.

Hours go by when suddenly the girl wakes up fuzzy. There are lights and dancing and laughter. She feels happy.

Look she thinks, everyone loves me, they are taking pictures with me, I have confidence, why was this so hard before? She wants another drink.

The rest of the night is a blur, there’s dancing, there’s talking to strangers, there’s more free booze, life is fucking great.

It gets dark.

She comes to in the kitchen, wrappers of food are everywhere, the fridge is open, the kitchen’s a mess. She feels sick.

It’s 6 am and the alarm is going off. Her mouth feels like sandpaper her head hurts she wants to not feel. Memories come back from the night before. She’s trying to look sober in pictures, she acts like she didn’t fall in the bathroom, she remembers the shots she took alone, the awkward conversations she put herself in and then the food she ate.

Regret, remorse, shame then hate floods her. She’s disgusted with herself. She’s shaking from the liquor, she gets sick and feels weaker. She sees her makeup is still on from the night before and her clothes on the floor she puts them back on and heads to work—time to play pretend.

She laughs at jokes, talks with everyone, does her job—last night never happened.

Works over, she’s home, alone. She wants a drink. She gets one. 

And well you know what happens next.