FackingMuthaFuckaFuck.

I’m fucking annoyed.
Why is the stupid lady next to me looking back and forth on the train and fidgeting. Why is the red head next to me rocking out and chewing gum like a damn cow. STOP MOVING PEOPLE. It’s fucking annoying. 

My right eye won’t stop watering. What’s that about. 

I’m really late for work. I should be there oh...now. 

I just couldn’t leave because I felt like I hadn’t accomplished anything. I didn’t workout so I was hoping to clean my apartment put up pictures on my barren walls etc. 

Well I tried putting up the damn sign I just bought but after losing two thumb tacks behind my bed and breaking one I got the stupid sign up which ironically says ‘LOVE’ in frilly fucking flowers.

I do not feel LOVE or FRILLY at the moment

But I finally get it up and it was fucking crooked-that's what she said-BAHAHAHA.

I just wanted to be able to come home and see that damn thing on my wall and be like oh it’s so sweet and straight and everything is in it’s place. Yay. But no, now I’ll get home from work late. I’ll see the stupid crooked sign and burn holes in it with my eyes and then throw a damn tantrum. I can just picture it on my wall sideways, each time I imagine it I see it more and more sideways. I even used a damn leveler. 

So I’m trying to not be annoyed at life because there’s nothing I can do about it and I’m blessed to have today and it’s sunny and oh ya I look like an idiot. I couldn’t find a damn thing I wanted to wear and what do I end up in? a pink stripe shirt LONG SLEEVES and BOOTS…it’s going to be 80 today. NOTHING is going the way I want it to and I’m having a fit over it.

There’s a big difference between seeing that there’s nothing I can do about it and understanding what that means.

I’m tired too. I am such a grump. I just pictured myself as grumpy. Hahaha short bald and bearded ewe.

So now I’m trying to think of all the things I learn in program and that I am always like oh shit I wish I remembered that back when I was mad. But nothing comes to mind but praying. And well I have asked God to help me calm the fuck down and well I’m still annoyed. 

Plus I’m talking to a friend about how I fucked up this weekend. I hate the question “how’ve you been?” it’s stupid. How do you sum up your life in a text. I’m good has no depth but the truth fucking sucks and I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to admit I suck and that I’m a loser and what I did to my body.

But then again I’m reminded and don’t want to believe it right now, but…oh I want to be in this state of mind, I can’t expect to feel better when I’m set on NOT being better. But being grumpy and tantrumy feels just grand right now, or no wait no it fucking doesn’t because I just wrote out like four paragraphs as to why it feels shitty. 

This means I have to do SOMETHING about it. I’m reacting to life not acting on it. 

So I’m going to go into work and focus on work on my coworkers' lives. Not mine. 

As soon as I did this I felt better. I realized happiness is a choice.

God Bless.