So I kind of forget God, or my higher power, is there.
It's nice to remember, comforting, like OH YEAH!
Like when you hear it's Friday and you thought it was Thursday.
...ya it's a good feeling.
Ever since I started believing in a power greater than myself I turn my problems over to them-or well I try to. It's much easier said than done. I mean if it was a physical thing like if I could hold my anxiety, insecurities, and anger in a jar and hand it over to someone and be free of it...that'd be cool.
So my issue is with trust.
I have one hand free trying to reach Him, let go of what I have that's holding me down...while the other is clinging for dear life to my disease. I wrote in circles about this earlier trying to reason with myself. HA like that's going to happen.
Anorexics have a fear of getting fat, (obviously) but a real true fear of it. Like there's not many worse things that can happen to me.
When I was really sick I would construct my life, habits, thoughts around this, it's getting better but it's been a 'bad habit' for 9 years now. It never occurred to me that I'd have to stop being afraid of foods and fat to live normally until I started reading Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous.
They're telling me if I eat what's put in front of me (with in reason) and only that or as much as that I will not get fat. They're telling me that rice is ok, that reduced fat cheese or a burger once in a while will not make me 200 lbs, they are telling me I don't have to do 1 hour of cardio after a night in Fremont, that I can lay on the couch when on the phone instead of walk...etc
That I can and need to let go of these habits that comfort me and make me feel like everything is ok. But in order to do that I need to trust that He knows what's best.
BUT WHAT IF I DO GET FAT? WHAT IF I LOSE CONTROL? What if I do gain 10 pounds even? Do you realize what will happen to me? Do you realize how awful that is? No one will talk to me. I will be ugly. Unhappy. Miserable. A loser.
Oh wait if I lose control...haven't I already lost control? Doesn't my disease have a hold on me? It's grip is so tight that I can't chose what I want to eat, if I exercise for hours on end, if I clearly see the person staring back at me, if I'm happy. It does.
So I got to keep saying it.
God I can't handle this. I need help. I cannot do this on will power alone. Maybe if I keep saying it it will come true.
<3 Kris.
HA I was listening to Strobe last time and that was like a month ago. I must like that song.
ReplyDeleteI noticed the same thing about you listening to strobe last time. I am reading this from my desk at work and we don't have speakers, so I have clue what song that is, but I'm intrigued. lol.
ReplyDeleteGood for you. You don't understand how strong you have become for you to realize that the disease is the one in control and that it isn't you who has the control in that situation. It is such a big step. I know we struggle on different ends of the weight struggle, but I can understand the fears. I had them, and then I DID get fat. You know what that changed in my life? Not a darn thing. The only thing that changed is me and what I felt about the way I looked. I've started to accept it and realized that now that I have accepted it I am not letting it define me. I feel more comfortable (even though I am still trying to lose weight) I am not going overboard with the whole process.
Good luck hun and keep letting God carry your burden! It's what He would want for you!
<3 Kristin Leigh
You can do it, lady!
ReplyDelete