Like Anyone is Going To Read This On a Friday Night

That was me a year ago. I was too skinny, just out of jail (seriously), miserable and confused.

Today was supposed to be a celebration.

To mark how far I've come.

How successful I am now.

How changed, enlightened, happy, healthy…whatever…I am.

I'm writing to you from the tangled blankets of my bed. My eyes sting every time they close because they are dry—that's what happens when you throw up three times in three hours.

 I am disgusted with myself.

I have more support than I've ever had.

IOP at the Moore Center which I go to four days a week.

A full time job with understanding lead and manager.

A sponsor in AA and the fellowship.

My wonderful boyfriend.

My gracious friends.

My now understanding parents.

And yet here I am. Eyes half open. Hands shaking. My stomach nauseated. My throat raw.

Some celebration.

I see the negative working in my head. It wants to bash me, make me hurt. Just give in…you've already fucked up your meal plan…fuck up your sobriety. Let everyone down. Who cares? I mean really? They'll just be disappointed for a while but you've put them there before. They've heard it before. Just do it again.

This all started when I stopped drinking.

The compulsion to overeat was uncomfortable. I would find my mind drifting to what I could binge off of "for the last time." I began to mourn my eating disorder. I never understood that until now.

So I did it. I looked everyone in the eye and told them I was ok as my destructive plans worked in my head. I binged and purged last night. It hurt. It was not enjoyable.

However, I woke up rejuvenated. Happier than I'd been all week. Shit. This eating disorder DOES serve me a purpose.

4 hours later I'm eating my lunch an hour early…then going into my snack. All my food gone before lunch even started.

I slowly began to binge after that. Grabbing snacks, cookies, breads, cakes no one stopping me. The rush of doing it in front of people. The hate for myself swimming in my head with each bite.

I was so full I could barely move—this girl was not going to treatment. It was family night too. So I bailed on my recovery team, my parents and myself for food. Luckily work got so busy that I ended up having to stay late.

So I had to sit with all this food in me. It was so uncomfortable.

I called my AA sponsor for peace. She gave it to me and yet I could hear the thoughts going. "Maybe this one last combination of food…cake batter and cookie dough…maybe that'll do it…"

But I fought it. I fought it for an hour until I found myself at QFC with the cookies in hand.

So I came home and did what I do best. I ate until I couldn't stand up and barely had to force myself to vomit. Then I did it until I was shaking and stomach acid was stinging my throat.

"There. That's it." I thought. And yet I forgot, like I do every time, that that "last time" isn't my last time. I found myself searching the cupboards for another concoction that'd wake me up give me that jolt of whatever it is I needed. Nothing came out so I just ate things I knew I could throw up easily.

I know this is graphic but well, I'm being honest. This is the only place I am honest. Because I don't have to look at any of you…I don't tell my best friends this or my treatment friends…the shame is too great. But here I can tell the black and white of my screen and release. Anyway…

So I did it. And then I did it again. And now I can't stop shaking.

I'm supposed to go to Lucky in 2 hours. I'm dehydrated, exhausted and well fucked up. A drink sounds good right now. Escape from my escape.

 But does it really sound that good? What did I just learn? That bingeing and purging didn't help but rather hurt so what will my other addiction do? Help then hurt.

I can't tell if I've come as far as I thought, there's that negativity again.

So here goes my gratitude list:

·         I'm so grateful for ChaCha he listens to me and doesn't blame me for any of my faults.

·         I'm grateful I'm not in jail right now

·         I'm grateful for finding glitter nail polish and flower clips at Walgreens

·         I'm grateful that my mom and I talk pleasantly to one another every day

·         I'm grateful that I get to dress like a slutty rainbow tonight and it's ok

·         I'm grateful that I have gigantic boobs to show off tonight

·         I'm grateful for Gatorade because my electrolytes are so fucked up that I could have a heart attack if I don't drink the stuff

·         I'm grateful for the legs I hate that allow me to dance all night long

·         I'm grateful for Pretty Lights because a year ago at Ultra they helped change my life and how I felt about shows.

Thanks for reading. 

Finding Faith

Here's a rose. Because I'm obsessed. And I like when I post this on Facebook and a picture goes with it. That's all.

My last post, which you should have read...because...well...I'm awesome...talked about that I'm not sure where my faith stands. I found out that I wasn't as secure in my beliefs as I thought I should be. Turns out it's difficult to put your all into something you can't see. But I guess that's like with anything.

You put your faith into a relationship that just starts because you believe there's a spark there, there's something special that's worth your time and effort and trust even if it's just starting out. You don't know how it will turn out, you can't know until you get there.

You put your faith in work, in your goals and dreams. You can't see the end result or how your efforts will prevail, what the long hours will end up getting you, but you keep on working because you believe it'll get you somewhere.


Even with the gym haha I keep switching from you / I. I guess in the above I mean I when I say you, but I'm too lazy to change it. HA. I go to the gym in hopes that each set I do and mile I run will produce a hot bod, even if I can't see the results now.

Now this isn't very Godly or spiritual but eh. . . this is swhat goes on in my head. Lucky you getting to read it haha HANYVAY...

I was journaling yesterday and realized faith isn't as easy as just going "Welp, God loves me. Cool." No no no. You've got to work at it. You have to pray for him to show you the way. You have to be willing to see how he's working in your life and count your blessings. AND you have to do his will NOT yours. Oye I really suck at that.

Sin. Little lesson for ya, sin is spelled with an I in the middle, aka you do what YOU want when you sin. It's self will not his will. Sin brings you further away from God and that's why life can feel crummy sometimes.

But because I was willing and prayed and acted on what little faith I have, he showed me the above. He speaks in many ways. And yesterday he came through me into my writing. Also, he came through in a Facebook message. OH Facebook.

A friend who is an avid reader, I made that up, I just wanted to sound cool, but she has at least read two of my posts and I thank her for that! Anyway, she reminded me that I'm not the only one confused. OH YA I'm not the only person with problems. I forget that you people are out there too and you don't have perfect lives. :) But she reminded me to keep at it and to keep at it honestly. He already knows everything we do say think the good and the bad so it's silly hiding from him, thinking he doesn't know what's up. Like Santa. haha Gosh I love Christmas.

ANYWAY...Long story short. God is here in my life, he always has been and he has a plan for me that he's revealing when I'm read for it. Even when I think I'm not. Even when I think he's stopped listening he's there.

I'm feeling so blessed. And I hope that this post reminds you that everyone's confused everyone's a little lost but you're never alone.

<3

Sassy Pants

It's your attitude Kristin. I heard that so many times from my mom. My nickname was 'Tude or bitch (behind my back thank ya) during a season of club volleyball. I've heard once or twice "Oh she got SASS!" from a gentleman or two at the bar. So that word, attitude, has surrounded my life and I'm full of it. And it has inspired this INSPIRING blog post. It's all about attitude ladies and gentlemen. Every morning when I wake up I'm a crabby ass bitch. I glare, frown and give mean looks to everyone from old ladies in my way on the street to stupid stop lights that won't change for me. UNTIL someone who doesn't have an attitude problem wakes me up out of it. Lately, especially today, I was feeling sorry for myself. Everyone at work seems to be taking on bigger roles, training for things, and surpassing me while I'm over in my corner with my Most Improved Award. And actually I didn't get an AWARD, my lead just said that to me once. Fail. Now we all know what that means, you sucked and now you don't suck as much. So while moping to my sad little self I decided to drag my fat ass on a walk. I stomped my stress out. I came back rejuvenated and ready to take on my next event. Then I hear someone else is training for a new role, who started months after me. FUCKINGSHIT. I swear a little raincloud grew over my head when God said. HOLD UP. He reminded me to focus on me ONLY ME and what was happening right now. I had a 75 item event to write up. So I could either pout and be a brat or I can do my damn best. I owned that damn thing. I did a 75 item event in about an hour and 20. I remember back when that'd make me CRY (remember attitude problem). God has His plan for me. I'm not sure what it is, we can safely say it's not to be a really killer copywriter, but there are so many other options for me. I need to trust in Him that He knows best and if I keep striving to follow and do His word I'll be ok. Plus, I am improving (there's that damn word again) and well, I'm not fired. Someone please knock on wood. Another word I want to put into your head is perspective. This came into play was when I decided todance around in my room instead of going to the gym. I was dog tired but there's nothing like Hot n Fun by Boys Noize to get me going. As I was shaking it like Beyonce (remember it's all about your perception) I noticed that it didn't take much to get my thighs to jiggle. Not the good kind. WHOOSH CRASH BANG ANOREXIA!!! My head swirled with not nice words, plans of dieting, cursing the Reeses I had earlier and believing the world was out to get me. And this kids is my disgusting flabby white thigh, unedited I'm sorry to say, to prove my point.

So I went harder, did more lunges to the back of my room away from that damn mirror that spoke nothing but the truth. I turn around and WHOOSH CRASH BANG BOMB. "OH SHIT. I look good." Literally came out of my mouth. WTF MATE? I flexed my leg some more, bent one way, twisted another and got my sausage legs to turn sultry. TA DA!

Oh ok. I get it. It's all in how you look at it. Hating your situation, pouting, whining, all that annoying crap doesn't fix a damn thing. So focus on the positive, speak kindly to yourself and focus on what you have—because no one likes a grumpy pants. <3