Like Anyone is Going To Read This On a Friday Night

That was me a year ago. I was too skinny, just out of jail (seriously), miserable and confused.

Today was supposed to be a celebration.

To mark how far I've come.

How successful I am now.

How changed, enlightened, happy, healthy…whatever…I am.

I'm writing to you from the tangled blankets of my bed. My eyes sting every time they close because they are dry—that's what happens when you throw up three times in three hours.

 I am disgusted with myself.

I have more support than I've ever had.

IOP at the Moore Center which I go to four days a week.

A full time job with understanding lead and manager.

A sponsor in AA and the fellowship.

My wonderful boyfriend.

My gracious friends.

My now understanding parents.

And yet here I am. Eyes half open. Hands shaking. My stomach nauseated. My throat raw.

Some celebration.

I see the negative working in my head. It wants to bash me, make me hurt. Just give in…you've already fucked up your meal plan…fuck up your sobriety. Let everyone down. Who cares? I mean really? They'll just be disappointed for a while but you've put them there before. They've heard it before. Just do it again.

This all started when I stopped drinking.

The compulsion to overeat was uncomfortable. I would find my mind drifting to what I could binge off of "for the last time." I began to mourn my eating disorder. I never understood that until now.

So I did it. I looked everyone in the eye and told them I was ok as my destructive plans worked in my head. I binged and purged last night. It hurt. It was not enjoyable.

However, I woke up rejuvenated. Happier than I'd been all week. Shit. This eating disorder DOES serve me a purpose.

4 hours later I'm eating my lunch an hour early…then going into my snack. All my food gone before lunch even started.

I slowly began to binge after that. Grabbing snacks, cookies, breads, cakes no one stopping me. The rush of doing it in front of people. The hate for myself swimming in my head with each bite.

I was so full I could barely move—this girl was not going to treatment. It was family night too. So I bailed on my recovery team, my parents and myself for food. Luckily work got so busy that I ended up having to stay late.

So I had to sit with all this food in me. It was so uncomfortable.

I called my AA sponsor for peace. She gave it to me and yet I could hear the thoughts going. "Maybe this one last combination of food…cake batter and cookie dough…maybe that'll do it…"

But I fought it. I fought it for an hour until I found myself at QFC with the cookies in hand.

So I came home and did what I do best. I ate until I couldn't stand up and barely had to force myself to vomit. Then I did it until I was shaking and stomach acid was stinging my throat.

"There. That's it." I thought. And yet I forgot, like I do every time, that that "last time" isn't my last time. I found myself searching the cupboards for another concoction that'd wake me up give me that jolt of whatever it is I needed. Nothing came out so I just ate things I knew I could throw up easily.

I know this is graphic but well, I'm being honest. This is the only place I am honest. Because I don't have to look at any of you…I don't tell my best friends this or my treatment friends…the shame is too great. But here I can tell the black and white of my screen and release. Anyway…

So I did it. And then I did it again. And now I can't stop shaking.

I'm supposed to go to Lucky in 2 hours. I'm dehydrated, exhausted and well fucked up. A drink sounds good right now. Escape from my escape.

 But does it really sound that good? What did I just learn? That bingeing and purging didn't help but rather hurt so what will my other addiction do? Help then hurt.

I can't tell if I've come as far as I thought, there's that negativity again.

So here goes my gratitude list:

·         I'm so grateful for ChaCha he listens to me and doesn't blame me for any of my faults.

·         I'm grateful I'm not in jail right now

·         I'm grateful for finding glitter nail polish and flower clips at Walgreens

·         I'm grateful that my mom and I talk pleasantly to one another every day

·         I'm grateful that I get to dress like a slutty rainbow tonight and it's ok

·         I'm grateful that I have gigantic boobs to show off tonight

·         I'm grateful for Gatorade because my electrolytes are so fucked up that I could have a heart attack if I don't drink the stuff

·         I'm grateful for the legs I hate that allow me to dance all night long

·         I'm grateful for Pretty Lights because a year ago at Ultra they helped change my life and how I felt about shows.

Thanks for reading. 

Feeling Better Ish

My password to my computer…and only my computer is "I Choose Life."
I just had to type it in to get on here to bog. It reminds me each time how important recovery is.

I'm on two of three buses I'll take home to Bothell tonight. It's actually peaceful and obviously I have time to write…or watch TV over the shoulder of the guy in front of me-if only I could lip read.

I just had dinner group for treatment.

I supplemented, which means I took a shake instead of eating the brisket they put before me. I just couldn't chew it…nor enjoy it. I also had asparagus-my pee's going to smell.

Today has had a light about it. Kind of like "Every now and again sometimes, I get lost on the wind of a dream. The air gets clean and the seas get wide. And I can do anything." That's called "Anything" by Mae. We listened to it before dinner. It was very relatable for me.

I keep having these stints of bliss. Of clarity. Of I can do it! Just don't focus on your weight so much. Easy. And then I wake up from that "wind of a dream" to a toilet bowl full of puke and my shaking hands. Reality. It's not that easy. But then like the tide, hope comes around again.

Hope is here now. Today I woke up and decided to follow my meal plan and to only workout every other day like my nutritionist suggested. So far so good…I even had two sugar cookies and haven't really freaked out about it. As I say that I get uneasy in my seat.

When I was given the supplement instead of eating the brisket I could have easily tossed it out and saved calories. It took a lot to take it as I saw other girls not touching theirs—other girls that are thinner than me.  But I did it. I've got to start trusting my treatment team and not Ed. Ed has gotten me no where but unhappy and unhealthy. It's so much easier said than done. And it's so uncomfortable.

My mind raced back and forth from workout before work? No you won't finish your work. But maybe just a little? No. Yes. Ok go change. NO NO NO. Sigh.

But it's easier to follow direction from my treatment team than Ed. It makes me happier. They tell me not to drink—not in the moment but after I'm happy I when I stay sober. They tell me that restricting isn't good—I usually binge the night after restricting all day. They tell me no to compare—I am miserable when I see other girls thinner than me (for shit's sake this woman at work today was showing off that she could wear kids jeans—fuck off lady).

I'm just not sure where I stand. I feel wildly out of control. Like I'm in the wrong. Like there's something I'm forgetting when I'm not constantly thinking about restricting, and working out. No one calls me skinny anymore. I've lost my identity. Who am I then?

I'm getting pretty sensitive at work to people not answering my emails, not appreciating the goodies I bring in, the extra work I do—so I take it as though they don't like me. So what can I change? My appearance. It's a cycle.

So without being skinny I'm just the girl no one likes. Sigh. Ok this is making me sad.

GRATITUDE LIST!

·         I got to work on time today

·         After being gone from 5:45 AM to 8:20 PM the cats didn't throw up or pee anywhere!

·         I did what I was told today

·         I had a really fun dinner group—oh that's the other thing, people in treatment seem to genuinely like me. They ask me about my life. I am bubbly, not shy, I have confidence—I'm just me.

·         I'm watching The Princess and the Frog

·         I have a super sexy super funny boyfriend

·         And I have a girls night tomorrow!

OH and the funniest thing happened. I had my bike helmet attached to my backpack and I raced into Microsoft to pee in between busses. I peed with my backpack on for efficiency purposes and when I stood up I got yanked back down. My helmet got caught on the flusher so I was just flushing the toilet and cracking up with my pants down in the bathroom for a little bit. HIL-AIR.

Good night.

So Sick of SKINNY

So I'm laying on the couch with a headache. I've been coughing up yellow stuff for a week now, my throat is sore and I can't breathe through my nose. And I'm feeling like shit because all I want to do is have a cookie and watch tv.

So I try to inspire myself by looking at Pintrest. What can I craft? What quotes can I read? What recipes can I pin that I'll never actually make but think I will?

When I pull up my app all I see is a bunch of pins by girls that I thought were good looking / didn't need to lose a pound with boards dedicated to bringing sexy back, beach bodies, "healthy" lifestyle. With images like this: 

IT'S AWFUL. I feel way worse about my sausage thighs, the fact that I've gained weight, the fact that I ate at each meal and that I haven't worked out today. I hate myself for not wanting to do a damn thing but rest. I could be doing MORE! I could be eating LESS! Eating more efficiently! Eating more like her...less like me. How dare I be hungry after lunch?

I couldn't help continuing to look. My ED was triggered. Hm maybe the answer is in here. In one of these pictures, workouts, recipes, "the answer" to what I've been trying to find since I can remember. The answer to being skinny and happy and having a perfect life where nothing goes wrong because I'm skinny!

Even though the answer wasn't to weight 25 lbs less than I do. I wasn't happy then. Or when I stopped eating carbs. Or when I drank every night. Or when I binged and purged 4xs in a row. Or when I became a brunette...

I hope you see what I'm getting at. God this is such a rant.

There are all these sick twisted menacing images of what I SHOULD look like, who I SHOULD be like, what I SHOULD do...I'M SICK OF IT!

Why do we have to shame ourselves into looking right? I did it for years. Five more minutes here. 20 more crunches there. Don't eat that just think of that bathing suit. It's DISGUSTING.

We are surrounded by the BE BETTER DO BETTER mentality and it sickens me.

Have I said sick enough?

The commercials on the tv get at us to have a better, faster, more efficient lifestyle. More sex. Be flawless. Be perfect. "Healthy" foods-fucking shit people MODERATION is healthy and that's it. Do not deprive yourself of anything that doesn't help.

That's what I'm learning now in treatment. That I can have cake and eat it too...if it's in a normal portion size. That doesn't mean I've thrown the day away or that I'm in debt. It just means I wanted cake and I had some. I won't always be happy but I won't always be sad. There will be shit days and alright days and really fucking good days and that's just how it works.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this other than a public rant to my personal ED. I hate you. I hate how you make me feel like I'm less than I am. How you make me feel like I don't do enough...

I have this body that I despise, that I pinch and poke at, that I abuse with food, exercise and words. But  it's mine it's me and it's all I have. I'm sick of bashing it of pining at different ways to make it better.

How about this? I am good enough? I don't need to lose 5 more pounds. I don't need to be like the girls on tv. I don't need to do anything but just be?!

BAM.

I was ranting and typing and raring when I get a notification from my calendar. I am supposed to be at my nutrition appointment. CRAP.

So I call my nutritionist and I tell her what's on my mind.

She reminds me that my body looks at food over a week rather than a moment. That my body needs nutrients to help get better (which I have been depriving them of). Sigh. I can relax now.

Thanks for listening.