So I try to inspire myself by looking at Pintrest. What can I craft? What quotes can I read? What recipes can I pin that I'll never actually make but think I will?
When I pull up my app all I see is a bunch of pins by girls that I thought were good looking / didn't need to lose a pound with boards dedicated to bringing sexy back, beach bodies, "healthy" lifestyle. With images like this:
IT'S AWFUL. I feel way worse about my sausage thighs, the fact that I've gained weight, the fact that I ate at each meal and that I haven't worked out today. I hate myself for not wanting to do a damn thing but rest. I could be doing MORE! I could be eating LESS! Eating more efficiently! Eating more like her...less like me. How dare I be hungry after lunch?
I couldn't help continuing to look. My ED was triggered. Hm maybe the answer is in here. In one of these pictures, workouts, recipes, "the answer" to what I've been trying to find since I can remember. The answer to being skinny and happy and having a perfect life where nothing goes wrong because I'm skinny!
Even though the answer wasn't to weight 25 lbs less than I do. I wasn't happy then. Or when I stopped eating carbs. Or when I drank every night. Or when I binged and purged 4xs in a row. Or when I became a brunette...
I hope you see what I'm getting at. God this is such a rant.
There are all these sick twisted menacing images of what I SHOULD look like, who I SHOULD be like, what I SHOULD do...I'M SICK OF IT!
Why do we have to shame ourselves into looking right? I did it for years. Five more minutes here. 20 more crunches there. Don't eat that just think of that bathing suit. It's DISGUSTING.
We are surrounded by the BE BETTER DO BETTER mentality and it sickens me.
Have I said sick enough?
The commercials on the tv get at us to have a better, faster, more efficient lifestyle. More sex. Be flawless. Be perfect. "Healthy" foods-fucking shit people MODERATION is healthy and that's it. Do not deprive yourself of anything that doesn't help.
That's what I'm learning now in treatment. That I can have cake and eat it too...if it's in a normal portion size. That doesn't mean I've thrown the day away or that I'm in debt. It just means I wanted cake and I had some. I won't always be happy but I won't always be sad. There will be shit days and alright days and really fucking good days and that's just how it works.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this other than a public rant to my personal ED. I hate you. I hate how you make me feel like I'm less than I am. How you make me feel like I don't do enough...
I have this body that I despise, that I pinch and poke at, that I abuse with food, exercise and words. But it's mine it's me and it's all I have. I'm sick of bashing it of pining at different ways to make it better.
How about this? I am good enough? I don't need to lose 5 more pounds. I don't need to be like the girls on tv. I don't need to do anything but just be?!
BAM.
I was ranting and typing and raring when I get a notification from my calendar. I am supposed to be at my nutrition appointment. CRAP.
So I call my nutritionist and I tell her what's on my mind.
She reminds me that my body looks at food over a week rather than a moment. That my body needs nutrients to help get better (which I have been depriving them of). Sigh. I can relax now.
Thanks for listening.
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