Party ... Animal ?

So I stayed sober on Saturday when I went out dancing.

And the only way I was able to do it was by:

·         My therapist telling me she might have to recommend me for an outpatient treatment program for alcohol. Seriously? I said. Seriously. She said.

·         My therapist telling me I have to go to at least one AA meeting and get a paper signed proving I was there

·         My therapist telling me straight up that alcohol isn't good for me and is only making my life harder

·         My therapist telling me that I've "plateaued" in recovery

·         Going to an AA meeting (plus leaving my phone at home so I would focus and taking notes)

·         My friends asking me what I learned from the meeting

·         My friends telling me how proud they are of me

·         My friends asking if it was triggering for me to see them drink

·         My friends asking how I'm doing throughout the night

·         The fact that I tried on my favorite pair of shorts from the summer and they fit me like fucking Seran Wrap

·         The fact that I can't dance as ridiculously as I do with a drink in my hand

·         The fact that I clearly remember the binge purge session I had the last time I went out

·          The fact that I figured out that I'm the only one that can do this for myself

Last night I learned that I'm not as easygoing as I was in college around drunks. I think this is mostly due to the fact that those "drunks" were my friends or people I had to see the next day in class. Now, getting butt bumped by bitches in too short dresses trying to dance, stomped on my girls who don't know how to wear heels and grabbed at by guys on the wall…just doesn't float my boat. I found myself checking my phone at 11:30 PM. Party…animal?

I'm so much more aware when I'm not drunk.

Duh you think.

But it's making more sense why I feel pushed to escape when I go out and dance. First of all it takes Ed out of my head (until I get too drunk and emotional…ugh). When I'm not as aware he can't talk to me and tell me the girl behind me is super skinny, he doesn't make me ask how does that girl's thighs not touch? How come she can be thin and have big boobs? Why am I stuck in this frumpy body that isn't getting attention from any guys? What have I done wrong? I haven't worked out hard enough, looked hot enough, danced well enough…

That's what was going through my head last night. It wasn't very fun. But there were moments of good. Of escapism that was organic, just me and the music and my friends. And those are the moments I have to live for now because the other way just doesn't work for me.

So I walked in a little late (what's new) to the AA meeting and noticed I was one of two girls. And by girl I mean the other woman there had her foot propped up (old woman in AA tall tale sign) sweats under her skirt and Sorel snow boots on.

I sat in a chair that went sideways under my weight and creaked—moved over one. Opened up my heart covered journal to take notes—only to see the last time I wrote in it was when I was in church on December 18, 2011 I called the post "God is love."

As the guys began to talk, I began writing—with my neon pink pen.

"What is the worst that could happen if I follow direction rather than do what I want to do?"

"What else can you do while you're sober that you can't while you're drinking?"

"In order for this to work you have to keep going to meetings."

"God works for good even if 'good' doesn’t look the way you think it should."

"You've already had your fun, you've already drank til you black out, til you get sick, til you do things you regret…"

"It's a good feeling to wake up clean and sober and see what life has in store for me that day."

"Don't throw everything you've worked for away because things don't go your way."

"I'm just constantly trying to feel another feeling, another high…"

And my favorite:

"I've been using alcohol as a crutch…but I'm not disabled."

I feel that these things can be related to life in many different ways, situations and struggles. Whatever it is that's pulling you down, that you can't seem to kick, to get over, to stop … just try this once to change it to make it different. I did it last night and I woke up this morning very happy that I did.